Divealanche: How are you enjoying retirement, Patrick?

Roy: I love dee retirement, to be 'onest. But my wife she does not seem so 'appy, she is not so used to 'aving me around dee 'ouse so I try to be 'elpful. Like dee udder day I replaced a door dat had been off dee hinges for several years now.

Divealanche: Did you watch the Stanley Cup finals?

Roy: As long as it wasn't interfereing with Will and Grace I watched it. I really like dat show. It is funny, don't you tink, with da gay guys running around all gay-like and everyting. I did watch dee Coupe because Brodeur he was playing and he waz winning 'is trois Stanlie Coupe ring, which is close to my number which is dee quatre. How crazie would dat be if he won again, because den some folks might zay he is as good as me, just like some were saying Hasek he was better den me because he won all dee Vezina. I 'ate 'im! I 'ate 'im bote wit' all my inzides!

Divealanche: How do you think The Avalanche will do without you?

Roy: I tink it iz likely dat dey finish near dee botttom of dee league witout me.

Divealanche: Really? You realize they just picked up Paul Kariya and Temmu Selanne to go with Milan Hejduk, Forsberg, Sakic, Rob Blake?

Roy: I heard zometing about dat, but witout me in dee net I do not tink dey can win, because I am dee best goalie and now I am not playing dee hockey wit dee Avalanche so dere must be a dropoff. Look at what happend to dee Canadiens after I made dem trade me, dey stink for many years and have not won dee Coupe since den. Dat is not a coincidence, dat is a fact. Do you zee what I mean, dey cannot do well witout me! Don't you zee dat! Dey will fail witout me! Me! Patrick Roy!

Divealanche: Do you think David Aebischer will be able to follow in your footsteps?

Roy: Qui?

Divealanche: David Aebischer? He was your backup for many seasons with the Avalanche. Now he is going to start in your absence.

Roy: Oh oui, I tink I know dee face, but I no know dee name. I mean, if I needed dee caffe or zometing I would just say, "Hey dere? You wit dee boy wit dee equipment on, Get me dee caffe." So I never learned 'is name. I tink he may be a good goalie, but let me ask you dis question? Is He Patrick Roy? No he iz not Patrick Roy, because I am Patrick Roy. He is dat udder name you say before. You zee what I am zaying here?

Divealanche: What advice do you have for David Aebischer?

Roy: Qui?

Divealanche: The guy I just asked you about? The Avs new goalie? Your backup for several seasons?

Roy: Oh, right, like a zay I not know what 'is name is. You should ask me, "What advice do you have for dee guy who used to bring you dee caffe?" den I know who you are talking about. But den I probably say dat maybe he should put in less sugar den more because if dere is not enough den he can just put in more, but if dere is too much I do not zee how he can take out the extra sugar and den da next goalie he iz getting caffe for will be all upset and den we all know what 'appens when dee goalie gets upset. Tings get broken.

Divealanche: Are there any young goaltenders out there who you admire?

Roy: Admire? Non, I do not even know dere names. Oh wait dere is dee one who said I am 'is 'ero, dat guy I tink will be pretty good. Of course he cannot be as good as me because I am dee greates in dee 'istorie of dee game. I should find out dat guys name and have my agent send 'im a picture of me.

Divealanche: Was it hard leaving the Candieans after all those years there?

Roy: Ha! No it waz verie eazy because dey were very bad, you see. It was as eazy as letting in neuf goals and den telling dee GM dat he must trade me. And den I win duex more coupes wit dee Avalanche, so I would say dat it was really a good ting I did dat, you see.

Divealanche: What do you miss the most about the fans in Colorado?

Roy: I tell what I do not mizz. Dee smell and dee poor grammar. Ha ha! But I tell a storie. One day I am leaving dee Arena when one little boy he come up to tme wit a program and a plume and asked me to zign dee prgram. Normally I say, "Non." But den I notice dee plume, it iz very nice and dee boy he say , "Hey Patrick, you are dee best goalie dere ever waz and dere ever will be." And I said, "I know" and took his program and plume and signed dee program and gave it back to dee boy. I was so touched I still have dat pen somewhere in my Benz. Dat plume is tres bon.

*Editor's Note: We can neither confirm nor deny that the caller was actually Patrick Roy, former NHL goalie.