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Divesberg Injures Himself Again Already!
Dives blow another lead and settle for tie... but that's hardly news anymore!
(11/30/02) Despite much crowing about the Dives having "a healthy Peter Forsberg" this season, Peter The Jake's penchant for diving all over the ice in search of whistles has once again resulted in injury. Forsberg left the Dive's game against the Minnesota Wild yesterday with an apparent groin injury and did not return.
"You would think after taking off an entire season this kind of thing wouldn't be happening so soon," said a Divealanche source. "Right now we're just hoping he's not planning to head back to Sweden."
Our Call: If Forsberg survives the regular season and remains healthy for the playoffs, we will eat a plate of elk poop.
RUMOR: Lacroix To Trade For Bruin's Lapointe!
Alex Tanguay and Alfred E. Skoula next up on the Dive's Auction Block to make way for the most overrated, overpriced player in the National Hockey League!
(11/24/02) Desperate to restore his soiled image after the utterly disastrous trade of Chris Drury, Divealanche GM Pierre Lacroix is now reportedly contemplating a move that could make the Drury trade look brilliant by comparison.
Sources say Martin Lapointe will soon be bringing his talent for useless penalties, timid play along the boards and disappearing during critical playoff stretches to Colorado's Pepsi Center as a member of the Divealanche!
Lacroix --a man who some say would sell his family's limbs on EBay if he thought it would further inflate his stature in the NHL-- appears to be ready to pull the trigger on what could be the defining move of his career. Divesfans absolutely hate Lapointe, and if he bombs in Turtletown there will be hell to pay.
Our Call: Bomb-O-Rooney!
Stay tuned, folks. This one could get really entertaining!
Not Again!!
Dives blow another one at home!
Sheriff Parker's offensive blitzkreig brought to a halt!
(11/22/02) Not even a spectacular display of diving from Peter The Jake and his young understudy, Alex Tanguay, was enough to net the Dives their first home win last night at the Pepsi Center. The lowly Nashville Predators have once again driven into Denver and dashed the Turnips' waning hopes that the Divealanche will win a game at home this season.
"On the downside, we've now won only 6 times in 17 games," said someone allegedly close to the Dives. "On the upside, if we make the playoffs this year we probably won't be on home ice much."
The game also saw Sheriff Scott Parker's spectacular offensive streak (1 assist, 0 goals) brought to a close.
Divealanche Floundering Continues!
New rules, shoddy defense and Drury trade are derailing the gravytrain.
Restrictions on "clutching and grabbing" render Dives defenseless.
(11/18/02) - When the 2002 NHL season began, many Divealanche fans gloated about the league's declaration that it would crack down on obstruction. Surely the Dives would prosper under the heightened enforcement designed to open up the ice for the NHL's superstar forwards. Surely the Dives would cruise to the top of the standings.
Instead, the Divealanche have fallen flat, barely maintaining a foothold in the middle of the division they once owned. Out of 16 games, the Divealanche have won 6.
Far from helping the Dives, the stiffened rules have thrown them into a defensive identity crisis, forcing Forsberg & Co to abandon their dependence on clutching and grabbing and attempt to play clean.
"Last year our strategy was simple... tackle in our end and dive in theirs," said a close source. "Now it's like a new sport or something."
NEWS FLASH!
Avsmonkeys Dislike Divealanche.com!
Divealanche fans email divealanche.com webmaster claiming they do not find the site amusing!
(11/13/02) - Divealanche.com has been rocked by negative emails from fans of the Colorado Divealanche.
Several emails have been received from Dives fans claiming they do not find the site amusing. One email from a fellow named "ILUVSAKIC19@yahoo.com" proclaimed that the site is "a waist of time" and "not funny to anybuddy".
"We are frankly shocked by these revelations," said webmaster Pierre LePud. "Colorado fans hate our site. This is truly a surprise. Wow."
LePud went on to say that brainstorming sessions were underway to search for ways to make the site "Avsmonkey friendly". Early ideas included free showers and machines that exchange aluminum cans for cash.
AM 950: Same Sh*t, Different Sport
950's call-screeners the most overworked schleps in the broadcasting industry
(11/12/02) - Guess it's not just opposing hockey fans who can't get past the call screeners at Denver's AM 950. This morning Mike Evans and Sandy Clough made it clear that in the wake of the Raiders' upset victory over the Broncos, 950 was screening out all calls from Raiderfan.
Nice to know Mama's skirt is big enough for Moser to share it with Evans and Clough.
Home Losing Streak Continues
(11/11/02) - A full-fledged panic situation has spread across the Divealanche nation as the team's floundering at home was magnified by last night's 4-3 bitchslapping at the hands of the worst team in the NHL, the Nashville Predators.
"Things have gone from terrible to unspeakable," said an unidentified Dives insider. "The Predators came in here and treated us like OJ treated Nicole. Where was Rob Blake? Where was Milan Hejduk? Where was Chris Drury? Oh, wait, never mind."
Denver Fans To Joe Sakic: "Go Pound Sand!"
Denver Post readers thumb their noses at loyal Captain... name The Jake favorite Dives player by 2-1 margin over Sakic!
Snubbed
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(11/5/02) - The Denver Post reports that its readership has chosen Peter Forsberg, who spent the entire 2001-02 regular season relaxing without a care in Sweden, as their favorite Divealanche player and favorite athlete in the world.
Meanwhile, Joe Sakic --the gracious Divealanche captain who single-handedly held his ragtag team together while Forsberg ate Doritos on a Swedish couch-- finished a distant second with nearly half the votes of Divesberg.
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"(Forsberg) is a favorite among female fans because of his bright blue eyes," gushed the Post.
Divealanche.com wanted to gush as well... into a plastic bucket!
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The message from Divesfan is clear: "Joe Sakic can loyally sweat and slave at the heart of our hockey franchise until he's worn holes in his hockey gloves. We don't give a rat's ass! We want Peter! We want Peter even if he only shows up for the playoffs and disappears in games 6 and 7 of the Western Finals!"
Well, they say stars get the fans they deserve and fans get the stars they deserve. All Divealanche.com can say is: typical. But there is one question that remains. One question that was not asked on the Denver Posts' survey:
How long will Joe Sakic be content to waste the prime of his hockey career being relegated to the shadows by a gallivanting Swedish spotlight thiever and his clueless, front-running fans?
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