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Pursuing Doodly Squat
Sorry Divesfan. Your Much-Touted (yawn) Divisional Supremecy Is Over
(3/20/03) Good news for all the Divesfans who ran out and bought "Pursuing History" apparel at the beginning of the season: cotton t-shirts make excellent oil rags.
The Dive's "Pursuit Of History" (translation: a 9th season of divisional domination over four underfunded, Elmer's Glue-and-popsicle-stick franchises) officially became history itself last night as the Dives blew another lead against the Sabres. We won't even mention who was in goal...
To be honest, you Avsmonkeys shouldn't really be disappointed. It was a stupid accomplishment to begin with. "Divisional champions"? Who the fuck cares? Nine consecutive "division-leading seasons" and fifty cents will get you 8 minutes of parking on a downtown Denver meter. At the end of the season there is exactly one winner in the NHL. Nobody with anything resembling a life gives a rat's ass about who won the freaking divisions, much less throws parades over it.
Okay, quiz time... five seconds... name the divisional winners from the 1977-78 season. What? You can't answer? Well good for you. If you can answer that off the top of your head, it means you are a loser.
Time for Avsmonkey to focus on goals that actually matter, like losing the mullet and changing the oil in the Maverick.
Fox Disses Floppy!
Where Is Aftonbladet When We Need Them?
(3/20/03) All you Swedish nitwits and Denver homers who piss your pants whenever we tell the truth about Forsberg had better run to Hotmail and get ready to start pounding out more of your whiny, unreadable hate mails. But don't direct them at us, simps... Fox Sports is the latest source to blast Floppa for you-know-what.
"As good as he is," writes Fox Sports' STAN FISCHLER, "Peter Forsberg has become a league-wide annoyance for his diving."
Uh oh. This could get ugly. And it does! The article goes on to quote Calgary's Denis Gauthier on the mastery of Peter The Great...
"If you blow on Forsberg, or he runs into a soft breeze, he's over in a heap. He embellishes everything. Those kind of guys drive me crazy. And he always seems to get the call. Isn't it obvious what he's doing? In (Calgary) earlier this year, I touched him coming around the boards — 'rubbed' would be too strong a term — and suddenly all kinds of stuff is happening. His stick's down at the other blue-line and one of his gloves is up in the third row and he's lying on the ice like he'd been shot from close range!"
OUCH! We felt that one all the way up here in the booth!
That sound you hear is a nation full of Swedish hands wringing together in unison. Just wait till Aftonbladet hears about this!
Marchment Fails Test Numero Uno
Only Sore Knees After Detroit Loss Are Attached To His Teammates
(3/16/03) When Tony Granato and Lizzy Lacroix brought Bryan Marchment to Colorado, it wasn't because they expected an organism that reportedly spends the off-season floating on the surface of a pond to suddenly score goals and skate pretty. No, Marchment was signed for one reason, and everyone knows it: to deliver knee shots to the Red Wings during the Dive's final Motown matchup of the season. Anything to help Colorado regain some kind of edge during their (so far not-very-historic) "Pursuit Of History".
Unfortunately for the Divealanche, the only knees that went flying in the air yesterday were attached to Here's Patty after Pavel Datsyuk and Henrik Zetterberg flipped Guns upside down with the opening goal.
Likewise, the only serious leg injury in Detroit was the mysterious one that Floppa dished out to himself while trying to board Dmitri Bykov. The injury, which sent Forsberg out of the game, is being nervously described in Denver as "a bruised leg", though there was no sign during the replay of the leg coming into contact with any part of Bykov or the boards. Hmmmm. In any case, it is obviously either a bruised leg or a sprained thumb.
To his credit, Marchment did demonstrate that he can dive with the best of his new teammates after a mild elbow brush from Draper sent BM sailing heavenward like a German soldier being blasted out of a foxhole in a bad WWII movie. The resulting power play produced nothing, though Marchment was treated to a tasty mouthful of Darren McCarty's glove, a long-standing dinnertime favorite on the Colorado bench.
Frei Rakes Dives For Marchment Deal
(3/14/03) Here at Divealanche.com, we're pretty hard on the local sports types. And why shouldn't we be, when the only apparent prerequisite for a career in the Denver sports media is the ability to grab your ankles and say "my, what a lovely tea party"?
But we should also point out when these guys come correct. Take, for instance, Terry Frei. No sooner do we lambaste Frei than he comes out with the following jaw-dropping Marchment editorial in his recent ESPN piece:
"And speaking of questions, here's one about the Colorado Avalanche's moves. What does the dirtiest player in the league become when he walks into your dressing room? Cleansed. The Avalanche officially pronounced Bryan Marchment -- coach Tony Granato's recent teammate -- as being "gritty" after his acquisition from the San Jose Sharks, and Colorado now has little or no right to complain about the pounding Peter Forsberg takes."
Right fucking on! Man, throw in a few expletives and the words "Jake" and "Lizzy" and the above paragraph could've come straight from this site.
In order to expand upon Mr. Frei's point, here is the actual text from the Official Divealanche Reporter's Book Of Style that one of our operatives stole from the offices of the Denver Post:
Goon (n): An NHL player of questionable or little talent whose sole purpose is to injure opposing players using roller derby-style blindsides, knee shots, slough foots, and sucker punches. The absolute scum of the league.
Gritty (adj): What a Goon becomes to the Denver sports community the second he slips on a Colorado Avalanche jersey.
Divers & Dirtbags
Forget Ray Borque... It's Knee Shots All Around As Lacroix Signs A Man That The Denver Media Once Called The Dirtiest Player In The League!.
(3/9/03) It seems like only yesterday that Denver radio sports show hosts and hockey writers were skewering Bryan Marchment as a rotten cheapshot artist and skating pond scum.
Wow, what a difference a year (and a 7-0 shutout) makes!
Mere months later, the doors of the Divemobile have swung open and welcomed Marchment to climb aboard the same bus that Mile-High Ray Borque used to call home.
A lowering of standards, perhaps? Hypocrisy, you say? Nope... the "Pursuit Of History". And on the potters wheel of Lizzy Lacroix, "Pursuit Of History" can be skillfully spun into "Pursuit Of Everything But The Kitchen Sink" right before your wondering eyes.
One thing is certain. This week in Denver promises to be immensely entertaining, as the Media Homers who recently held up Marchment as the poster boy of NHL goonery now open up the other sides of their mouths to lavish him with Avsmonkey worship (e.g. Bill Romanowski in reverse). Indeed, the amount of spin you will witness this week in Colorado might send the entire state of Kansas running for their root cellars. Run, Dorothy... we got us a TWISTER!
Meanwhile at ESPN, look for Terry Frei's upcoming feature on NHL goonery and how clean, honest teams --like, say, the Divealanche-- let their talent and skill do the talking rather than lower themselves to the level of their unwashed opponents.
In the immortal worlds of Monty Python's Mr. Creosote, bring us a bucket. We're gonna barf!
Pursuing History?
Dives Stink It Up In Tampa Bay As Canucks Hold Steady
And Wings Continue To Cruise
(3/8/03) Florida is not a good place for David Aebischer, as attested by another beet-red sunburn he's sporting on the back of his neck after last night's ugly 4-3 loss to the Tampa Bay Lightning. Faced with another golden opportunity to gain on the stalled Vancouver Canucks, the Divealanche rolled over like a turtled up Claude Lemieux.
Avsmonkeys who thought the Divealanche had gotten over their early season penchant for blundering away big leads in crucial games were brought crashing back to reality last night, as Lizzy's Traveling Hockey Circus blew 3-goal lead. From the second period on, the Lightning treated the Dives the way a DIA baggage handler treats a set of golf clubs, throwing them around the ice as Colorado floundered away incompetently. Floppa and Stupor Joe were invisible. Rob Blake got knocked silly and sent to the locker room. "The Sheriff" Scott Parker looked on helplessly. And of course, there was Aebischer... but we've already covered that subject here.
Streak over.
Frei Goes Yard
On His First Trip To Homer Plate!
That Ball Is Still In The Air!!
(3/4/03) Visitors to this site who don't reside in Denver can sample a plateful of Grade-A Divealanche Media Homer Hooey at ESPN's web site. That's where Terry Frei has posted an uncharacteristically catty defense of his favorite hockey team (the Divealanche) cleverly disguised as en editorial on diving.
For those who don't know, Frei is a Denver Post sports writer who regularly covers the Dives but is now branching out into Albom Country. As such, Frei's career at this point resembles a combination juggling/tightrope act in which the aspiring pundit must appear unbiased while providing just enough Avs fluffery to please the hometown bandwagon. It's a feat he usually can pull off fairly effortlessly. Unfortunately, he now appears to have gone Karl Wallenda.
To untrained eyes Frei's article on the recent diving crackdown appears harmless enough. Just your typical ESPN commentary, right? Well, yeah, sure... except something's not quite right. Something appears to be missing from this article on diving. What could it be? Oh wait, here it is...
Nowhere in the entire article --an article on diving in the NHL-- is there a single solitary instance of the word "Forsberg"!!!
A mere oversight on Frei's part, you ask? Puh-leeeeeeaaase! In the past week, Chris Chelios has made news calling out Forsberg (among others) as one of the league's top divers. Meanwhile, Sports Illustrated referenced Divealanche.com's glossary in their commentary on diving (scroll down to #7). As if that isn't enough, last Sunday night, Terry Frei's neighbors at NHL2Night devoted a part of their show to "The League's Biggest Divers", in which Floppa was featured. Top it off with the fact that Divealanche.com has been featured in Frei's very own newspaper (Frei mentioned that players "might as well come out in spandex swimsuits"... gee, wonder where Terry got that idea?). Yet somehow, not a single word about Peter Forsberg in his article.
So you still think this omission was just a minor oversight on Frei's part? Well, it gets even better. Guess who Frei found to express support toward the crackdown on diving. Let's see... who in the NHL is so untarnished and clean with regard to this diving controversy that they could possibly stand up as proponents of these new rules?
Why, THE COLORADO AVALANCHE OF COURSE! Not one, but TWO of them!
"It has to stop!" declares Lizzy, his tongue so far in his cheek it's sticking out his ear. "I hope it stops guys from doing it because of the embarrassment."
"I don't mind it one bit," proclaims Rob Blake.
That's right, all those photos out there of Alex Tanguay defying gravity must be the result of Photoshop trickery. Scrutiny of Forsberg? Mere jealousy. Don't you worry, Denver... your Avalanche is the cleanest car on the lot!
We at Divealanche.com have witnessed some outrageous spin maneuvers in our years of exposure to Denver's sports media, but this is quite possibly the mother of them all. We do not have enough plastic 5-gallon Home Depot buckets for us to hurl into right now.
Props to Terry Frei, who has just swiped the Divealanche Uber Homer crown right off of Marc Moser's head. We are absolutely freaking impressed. Seriously. What else can we possibly say? That ball is going, going, gone... another Homer Run!
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