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Sakic: Just Leave Now!
Some "Captain"... Dives Can't Win When He's On The Ice!
Fans Like Divesberg Better Anyway!
(1/31/03) If the writing wasn't clearly on the wall after Denver bandwagoners trashed Joe Sakic in last year's Denver Post poll, it certainly is now. The Divealanche has put together their first real winn... er, unbeaten streak all season, holding their own against the league's second tier teams as they desperately struggle to launder their soiled reputation. And they have done it all without Stupor Joe.
The message is clear: it is time for Joe Sakic to pack his bags and go away.
Dives fans don't like him to begin with. Throughout his career in Denver, Sakic has wilted in the shadow of the bellyflopping Swedish cheater. If Sakic scores a hat trick it will barely merit a mention, whereas if Forsberg skates a figure eight the Denver Post will print a special full-color section dedicated to his life story.
Well, you can bet that all this hasn't escaped the twitching eye of Pierre "Lizzy" Lacroix. Lizzy hasn't fired anyone or made a bad trade in over a month, and he even lamented the recent disinterest of his "trading partners" in a Post feature. With Lizzy's trigger finger growing itchy and his Traveling Hockey Circus thriving in the absence of "The Captain", is there any doubt that Stupor Joe could be the next sucker to grease the axles of the Divemobile?
Dive's Fighting Ineptitude Streak Unmatched
Derek Morris To Undergo Surgery After Yet Another
Divealanche Fighting Disaster!
Dives Enforcers Should Rethink Strategy Of Blocking Punches With Head
(1/28/03) Whether watching their gangly goaltender get beaten bloody by Mike Vernon, or seeing "The Sheriff" serve as Bob Probert's personal game of Whack-A-Mole, Avsmonkeys don't have much to cheer about whenever their team drops gloves. Now things have gotten even worse. Derek Morris --acquired via the utterly disastrous trade of Chris Drury-- is out indefinitely after allowing the Blue Bonnets' David Ling to use his head as a human T-ball.
A retrospective of Divealanche fighting history would not be very entertaining to anyone but the most avid of Divealanche haters. Of course, we would have it available on this site in streaming Quicktime, Real, and Windows Media Player formats. You'd see clip after clip of grown men turtling on the ice, being wailed on by midgets, entering hockey arenas with bodyguard escorts and inevitably being carted off to awaiting ambulances. With such a sad history of going mano-a-mano, is it any wonder Dives players save their best efforts for decidedly less-dangerous assaults on video cassette recorders, barroom disk jockeys and wooden doors?
We at Divealanche.com feel that all Dives players should just quit dropping gloves and employ the Floppa The Jake Method: spearing and slashing at opposing players, then petulantly skating away when they challenge you to throw down.
League Sore After Marty Goes McSorley
"No Touching Floppa" Rule Claims Another Victim
(1/22/03) Marty Turco may be an outstanding goaltender, but the dude apparently isn't very bright. As anyone who follows the NHL knows, you can get a game misconduct for sneezing on Peter Forsberg, much less cracking the dude in the head with a goalie stick!
So much for Avsmonkey's claim that the league overlooks the "mugging" of Forsberg. We haven't even reached the All-Star break yet and The Jake has already been involved in the suspensions of two opponents, one of them by skating headfirst into the guy's elbow.
Floppa is just lucky the league hasn't instituted a game misconduct and fines for diving (we can dream, though, can't we). He'd be penniless quicker than you can say "Mentos fresh and full of life".
Dives Stop The Bleeding
Sleepwalking Stars Team Shows Mercy To Dives.
Patsy "Guns" Roy Awarded With Large, Heavy Silver Stick... DOH!
(1/21/03) Denver breathed a collective sigh of relief last night as the Divealanche managed to prevent yet another team from treating the Pepsi Center like a dog treats a fire hydrant, tying the streaking but sluggish-looking Stars 1-1.
In a hockey game that often resembled the third period of a beer league charity match with fights, the two teams appeared to think the best way to win would be to put each other to sleep rather than scoring. Most of any enthusiasm was reserved for hitting each other with sticks and, of course, Floppa-ing.
But who cares? The real story of the evening was the commemoration of Patsy "Guns" Roy's 1,000th game, during which he was handed --get this-- a freaking regulation sized solid silver goalie stick! His wife smiling nervously beside him, Saint Patsy grinned with glee as he brandished his new toy, which brings us directly to the Divealanche.com New Word Of The Day...
irony -
(I • ron • y) n.
1. An expression marked by a notable contrast between apparent and intended meaning.
Royshed Up?
The Ghost Of Demolished VCR Now Getting Its Revenge
(1/17/03) As the dust settles after last night's home loss to a Red Wing's squad that often appeared to be asleep on the ice, one fact has been sledge-hammered home like a rusty railroad spike: Patrick Roy is stumbling.
Now to be fair, in every game there are going to be goals that netminders would like to have back. Last night's game was no exception. Detroit was able to chalk up points on the kind of shots that Patsy used to be able to knock from the air like so many flying VCRs or stereo receivers. We counted 3 of them. Patsy wasn't on the ice for the fourth.
So what are the Dives going to do now that the superstar netminder who has rescued them season after season is suddenly making Mathew Dandenault look like Guy Lafleur? To whom will they turn if Roy continues to slide? The answer to that one 'aint pretty, folks. We'll give you a hint:
His fans are those people up there in the leiderhosens who bang empty fondue pots whenever he makes a save.
Nancy: Whatever You Are Smoking It's Time To Share It With The Rest Of Us
Pick up your pencils kids. School is once again in session.
(1/15/03) As Denver prepares for tonight's game between the Divealanche and the Wings, Divealanche.com's favorite Avsmonkey, Marc Moser, is once again busy warping facts.
"All of the prinicipal figures in the (Avs/Wings) rivalry have gone on to other things."" said Nancy today on AM 950 "The Homer".
Reality check time. Let's take a look at the players from both teams who have remained with each team since the Great Lemiuex Massacre of 1997:
Detroit (10): Yzerman, McCarty, Lidstrom, Federov, Maltby, Draper, Shanahan, Dandenault, Holmstrom, Larionov (though he played for Florida for a brief stint).
Colorado (6) : Sakic, Floppa, Foote, Roy, Messier. Hell, we'll even include Keane, though he was traded away for nearly five seasons.
DA TROOF: Most of the "principal figures" are still with the Wings. It's the Divealanche who have auctioned away everybody and their mothers during Pierre's desperate Trade Deadline lunges for the Stanley Cup.
Frankly, Pierre, I Don't Give A Damn!
Police Battle Rioters As Hartley Arrives In Atlanta --
Ex-Dives Coach The Biggest Thing To Hit Dixie Since "Gone With The Wind"!
(1/14/03) Thousands jammed into Atlanta's airport and clogged highways throughout the city last night, desperate to get their first glimpse of incoming Thrashers coach, Bob Hartley. Police in riot gear used teargas and nightsticks to control a screaming mob that spilled onto the runway, trying to touch the coach's plane as it landed. Screams of hysteria swept across the airport as Hartley emerged from the small plane and waved to his admirers. Paramedics on the scene report that dozens of spectators, mostly women, had to be treated after fainting and collapsing amid the throngs of hysterical fans.
Inside the airport both the Governor of Georgia and the Mayor of Atlanta waited to greet Hartley and present him with a large gold key to the city. On a stage behind them, the Charlie Daniels Band performed their hit, "The South's Gonna Rise Again" to honor their new coach.
After giving a brief speech, much of which was drowned out by screams and wild applause, Hartley was ushered through the mob to an awaiting limousine. Escorted by a motorcade of highway patrolmen, the coach waved from the window to the thousands of excited fans who lined the road into Atlanta, where a parade and floats and marching bands and... and... and...
Okay, so none of this really happened.
BREAKING NEWS:
Lacroix Planning To Trade Denver
Wizard GM Hopes Move Will Motivate Team, End Criticism
(1/10/03) Sources close to Kroenke Sports, owners of the Colorado Divealanche, report that Divealanche GM Pierre Lacroix is seeking to trade the city of Denver to the Boston Bruins. This trade rumor comes in the wake of Denver hockey fans' heightened criticism of Lacroix's handling of the team, most notably his trade of forward Chris Drury and the recent firing of coach Bob Hartley.
According to the sources, the Divealanche would receive forward Martin Lapointe, a second round draft pick and "future considerations". In return, the Bruins would receive the Metropolitan Denver area and several surrounding municipalities, including the city of Boulder.
Citizens of the areas affected by the trade have been instructed via prerecorded phone messages to "begin packing your belongings" and "be prepared to report to the Bruins practice facility in Boston as early as next Tuesday".
Though no official statement has yet been released, Mr. Lacroix has scheduled a press conference for noon next Monday in which the trade is likely to be announced.
Make Your Own Divealanche News Story!
Dives Get Rolled By Lowly Ducks...
Do We Really Need To Report This Story Again?
(1/10/03) In the wake of last night's loss to Anaheim, fumbling away another 2 points that the superstar Dives should have pocketed by merely lacing up their skates, it seems the impossible has happened. Divealanche.com has been rendered speechless.
As such, we're taking the day off. Besides, you all know the story --we've posted it dozens of times. So let's all try something new, just for today. We'll list all the key words and phrases that we're so used to typing, and you, the readers, can gather them up in your minds and write your own mental "story" regarding what is happening with this team. Sound fun? Okay, here we go...
Drurymorris. Lizzy. Tinkering. Spin. Roulette wheel. Pampered. Lazy. Not hungry. Satisfied. No chemistry. Easy way out. Identity crisis. Skoula. Absent-minded. Roy. Soft goal. Tanguay. Invisible. Blake. Dumb penalty. Hartley. Scapegoat. Mob-style hit. Gibbering. Divemobile. Careening. Brick wall. Bandwagoners. Evacuating. Broken ankles. Hartley laughing. Panic.
Unbelievable.
Divemobile Swerves As Bandwagoners Bail!
Once again, Divealanche.com Delivers Our Take
Light Years Ahead of Denver's Media Homers
(1/8/03) Grumblings of panic have resumed in Denver after the Dive's 4-2 home loss to Calgary last night (which featured a beautiful goal by Stefan Yelle, btw). As Divealanche.com stated last month --and Denver's radio pundits are now just beginning to discuss-- the Dives are in exactly the same situation they were in before Hartley was fitted for cement shoes. Fans who only weeks ago were applauding the mob-style hit on Bob Hartley are now flooding local radio shows with calls and emails questioning the competence of new coach Tony Granato (Pssst... run, Tony, RUN!).
Though Hartley's blood has barely dried on their own frenzied hands, Divealanche fans are now clawing to the feet of Pierre Lacroix, demanding another spin of his great bloody roulette wheel. Who will be next to pay for Drurymorris? How many more careers must be wreaked asunder to grease the creaky axles of the Divemobile?
It's like the commercial says: Once you pop, you can't stop!
Uber-Homer Moser Cleans Tongue
In Forsberg's Throat
The Jake Practically Chuckles As Nancy Gibbers Insanely About "Uncalled Penalties" and Muggings!
(1/3/03) Let's get something clear right here and right now: Divealanche.com loves Marc Moser!
Just when we think that no one aboard the Divemobile can plunge any deeper into the embarrassing depths of homerism and produce another unplumbed fistful of pure, Grade-A horseshit, Moser dons his swim fins, waddles to the plate and goes yard.
Today on Denver's AM 950, Moser spoke with Peter Forsberg. The interview was a tongue bath, but even the veteran stomachs of Divealanche.com began tossing our lunches when the subject turned to the many "uncalled penalties" against Forsberg, a player known to his peers as one of the biggest dive artists in the NHL. Far from recognizing Peter The Jake's well-documented penchant for flopping, Moser conjured the longstanding, ridiculous conspiracy theory among the most meth-addled of Avsmonkeys that there is an NHL plot to deny Forsberg the dozens of whistles he is due every single game.
(Note to those of you who think we're joking: We are not making this up! [cue "Twilight Zone" theme] There is a segment of Avalanche fans who seriously believe there is an organized NHL conspiracy to sabotage the Avs through bad officiating. Talk to some of them and see for yourselves... it is freaking scary!)
As Moser excitedly gibbered about imaginary penalties and muggings, Peter Forsberg, to his credit, just slightly sounded as though he was going to crack up. As Forsberg himself knows, his dives draw numerous calls that he clearly doesn't deserve. Deep down, even the crafty old Jake must have been embarrassed that a professional radio pundit in an NHL market could get away with being so naive and believing such paranoid cornpone.
Again, our props to the Mose. No sports host anywhere brings us closer to filling our plastic 5-gallon Home Depot buckets with heave.
Denver Braces For Return Of Stanley Cup!
Dives Jerseys A Hot Item As Bronco's Season Ends.
2-Game Win Streak Has Whole Town Jockeying To Board The Divemobile!
(1/2/03) Preparations for the 2003 Divealanche Stanley Cup Parade are hastily underway in the wake of the Dives' 7-3 victory over the fearsome Nashville Predators. It was the first time the number 7 has appeared on a Divealanche scoreboard since the team was humiliated 7-0 in last year's Western Conference Finals. The Dives' streak of victories has now reached two games, rocketing them to 3rd place in the Northwest Division, a whopping two points beyond the Edmonton Oilers.
This morning, Play It Again Sports stores throughout the city of Denver are reporting huge crowds of fans lining up to exchange their "Brian Griese" and "Shannon Sharpe" Broncos jerseys for "Derek Morris" and "Dean Mcammond" Divealanche gear.
"I wish the Donks and the Dives would just start using the same jersey," said store owner Joel Bellows. "It's hard enough retreading all the old Deadmarsh and Drury shirts, let alone when the Bronco fans show up every year. It's damn confusing for everyone. Some lady just walked out of here wearing a Quebec Nordique's sweater with 'Elway' embroidered on the back!"
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