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Hartley To Colorado: "Fire This, Avsmonkeys!"
Thank You! Thank You! Thank You!
Hartley & Ragtag Thrashers Show No Respect To Lizzy's Hired Guns,
Depriving The Dives Of A Point They Desperately Need
(2/27/03) Two months after being humiliated and ridden out of Colorado by the team he led to the Stanley Cup, Bob Hartley returned to Denver this evening and FED THE DIVEALANCHE THEIR LUNCH!
Huge Divealanche.com Props to the Atlanta Thrashers for riding into The Can and shoving Pierre Lacroix's custard filled Long John straight up his nose in the form of a HUGELY DISAPPOINTING 4-3 VICTORY.
We cannot imagine how satisfied Coach Hartley must feel right now. Fortunately for Colorado fans, Hartley has much more class and restraint than we do. When that red light went on behind Roy, Hartley had every right to walk to center ice and flash his middle finger at every single loser in that Godforsaken building.
We woulda done it.
Major props to you and your team, Coach Hartley, for coming back to the scene of the crime, kicking the Turnips' asses and rubbing Lacroix's face in it. You da man!
Divealanche.com Saves The Dives' Season
Give Us Our Props, Turnips, Or We Shut Off The Mojo
(2/25/03) Has anyone else noticed that ever since Divealanche.com was featured in the Denver Post and Sweden's Aftonbladet, Peter Forsberg has not only been playing the best hockey of his life, he is actually diving less?
For those of you who are laughing, consider this: Aftonbladet is the largest paper in Sweden. They featured this site in the very same week that the largest paper in Colorado did...
How could Floppa and those around him have possibly missed both of those articles?
Answer: there is no way he missed those articles, and there is no way the Gallivanting Swedish Cheater hasn't visited Divealanche.com! How else can you explain the fact that he and another one of our favorite targets, "Airborne Alex" Tanguay, are now skating out of their minds?
Face fact folks... all the gibbering adoration that Aftonbladet and the Post and your crappy little Avalanche fan sites have lavished on Forsberg only succeeded in creating a lazy, self-satisfied jake, basking in fluffy praise while his game went to hell.
On the other hand, Divealanche.com single-handedly lit a fire under Forsberg's ass and turned the Dives from the year's biggest disappointment into an actual playoff contender.
Memo To Floppa: Come correct and admit that this site is the source of your recent mojo, or we will turn that mojo right back off. Email us a thank you note. Also, you should probably buy a t-shirt.
Memo To Sweden: When do we see the Divealanche.com postal stamp?
Kizla: "Would Avs be better off without Joe Sakic?"
Want to know what the Media Homers will be saying about the Dives in a month? Read Divealanche.com
(2/25/03) If you haven't picked up a copy of the Denver Post today, we highly recommend that you do so. Today's issue features a brilliant article by Mark Kizla examining the Dives' history of increased success whenever either Joe Sakic or Peter Forsberg is out of the lineup. Truly a cutting edge sports editorial. Not only does this gripping and insightful piece discuss the fact that the Dives are a more confident team without their captain on the ice, it daringly puts forth the notion that either Sakic or Forsberg (gee, I wonder which) should even be... traded.
Can you believe it? I mean, who would possibly write something like that?
Really, where do you suppose people get these kinds of crazy ideas?
Next month in The Post: "Aebischer Not Ready To Fill Roy's Shoes"
Islanders Light Up Aebischer
Avsmonkeys Who Think Their Backup Goaltender Can Carry Them Are Whistling Past The Graveyard
(2/22/03) Earlier this month, after Divealanche.com pointed out how badly David Aebischer performed at the Young All-Star match, we were beseiged with angry emails from the Tribe Of The Clueless. Didn't we know that All-Star games don't mean anything because nobody plays defense, they said? Aebischer is a solid goalie, the Turnips wrote, and he will one day rule the NHL just like Here's Patty used to.
Yet this morning, after the Islanders treated the Divealanche like a restroom towel, the email bin here at Divealanche.com is strangely empty. No sign of our new friends in the David Aebischer fan club. Nothing but the chirping of crickets.
We said it before, we'll say it again. David Aebischer is nowhere near ready for prime time and has a 5-hole you can toss a beachball through. If Roy goes flakey (what time is it?) this team is finished. Divesfans who deny this are whistling past the graveyard.
Quick history lesson...
Do you remember the outstanding 2001-2002 regular season that Roy had?
Remember how it ended?
The Return Of "Avalanche Style Hockey"
Divemobile Back On Track As The League Backs Away
From Its Stand On Dirty Hockey
(2/20/03) At the beginning of the NHL season, the league's crackdown on obstruction threw the Divealanche into a complete identity crisis. Due to their reliance on clutching and grabbing, the Dives fell apart under the new rules and stumbled through the first half of the season to the point where no one in Denver wanted to talk about them.
But now that the league has quietly backed away from enforcing obstruction, diving, and dirty play, Colorado has regained their balance and is back to their clutch-and-grab selves. Skoula, Foote and the Dive's midcard jobber forwards are all flourishing as they abandon their failed experiment with skillful defensive play in favor of NFL-style holding and tackling along the boards. Their outstanding cheating has served dual functions in cutting down on the number of shots Here's Patty must face in the twilight of his career, while also opening up more ice for Floppa and Alex Tanguay to dive across.
Today, Denver's Media Homers and their listeners will spend countless hours gibbering in wonder over the Dives' recent turnaround. Caller after caller on AM 950 will offer up pointy headed theories on the secret of the Dives' recent success, from the arrival of Rick Tochet on the bench to a mysterious locker room "talk" that Mile High Ray Borque had with Patrick Roy.
Unfortunately, the answer isn't any such fluffy fairy tale... just the Cheatin 'Diques getting back to playing "Avalanche Style Hockey".
Send Us Your Profile Of Rob Blake!
We'll select the one we like best and publish it here in our Player Profiles section! The author gets a free Divealanche t-shirt!
After several months of cranking out factual and entertaining features on everyone's favorite Divealanche stars, the crack staff in our Player Profile Department needs a break. But we can't give them one... the show here at Divealanche must go on! So we've decided to make our readers an offer. Here's how it works...
We're inviting you, our readers, to submit a Player Profile for one of the next players on our list: Rob Blake.
If you want to be considered, email us your written "profile" (length: about 400 to 600 words). We'll read through them and pick the one we like best, which will be posted as the official Player Profile. Don't worry about doing the artwork... we'll take care of that.
The writer whose profile we publish will get a free Divealanche t-shirt!
Email your finished profile to webmaster@divealanche.com. No attachments, please... just type the profile right into the email. The deadline is Friday, Feb 21.
Note: Writers for Aftonbladet may also participate.
Sweden Declares War On Divealanche.com!
Anger, Hysteria Grip Stockholm In The Wake Of Afotnbladet Feature On Avalanche Lampooning Website!
(2/13/03) While the rest of the world frets over what the US will do with Iraq, Sweden is fretting over what Divealanche.com is doing with photos of Peter Forsberg.
Just a few days ago, Sweden's largest newspaper, the silly named Aftonbladet, ran a story featuring quotes and images from Divealanche.com. According to our crack team of translators, the subject of the story was the "humiliation" and "hatred" that Forsberg faces throughout the NHL (particularly from Divealanche.com) because of his incessant diving. The story has prompted a flood of email to Divealanche.com, the overwhelming majority of which is angry as all hell.
Okay, dammit, stop laughing. We aren't making this up! Click right here and see for yourselves. And that's not even the best of it... our sources in Sweden have informed us that Aftonbladet actually devoted more space to wringing their hands over Divealanche.com than they did to Floppa's recent hattrick!!
(Okay, this is the part of the story where things usually start to get kind of fantastic...)
Since the Aftonbladet feature ran, the Divealanche.com crisis in Sweden has become increasingly serious. Swedish Prime Minister, Vilhelm Terdbergler, has cut off all communications between Sweden and Turtletown Industries, parent corporation of Divealanche.com. In Stockholm, thousands of rioters shook the gates outside the US Embassy yesterday, angrily shouting verses from popular ABBA songs and pelting police with fondue forks and cans of surströmming, a tasty, foul-smelling Baltic herring.
Meanwhile, Swedish Ambassador to the United Nations., Rollie PollieOllie, has called for the UN Security Council to give Sweden clearance to declare war on Divealanche.com and "nuke the American Photoshop criminals immediately." As this motion is debated, however, some Security Council members have indicated skepticism regarding the Swedish threat of war.
"I don't think Sweden has any real grounds to complain," remarked Secretary General Kofi Annan. "Any country that subjects the world to Ace Of Base should really just shut their pieholes lest they be getting a long overdue international bitch slap."
"Besides," added Annan, "I thought the Greg De Vries profile was classic!"
All Abooooooooooaaard!!
Grab Your Tickets! The Divemobile Rides Again!
(2/12/03) A few weeks ago if you said the word "Avalanche", Denver sports fans grimaced and quickly shuffled out of the room before you could catch them. The Divemobile was sitting on cement blocks and leaking oil somewhere near Aurora. Denver sports radio was abuzz with talk of the Oakland Raiders, baseball, tennis, golf, NASCAR, bowling, lawn jarts, go-cart racing, dog shows, The Bachelor, Oprah, needlepoint, fruit compote... anything but the Divealanche. If aliens from outer space had landed in Denver a month ago, they would've left without knowing that Denver had ever purchased a championship hockey club from Quebec.
Oh, what a difference a 10-game unbeaten streak makes!
Suddenly, remarkably, the Divemobile is back in action and loaded with legions of hooting Turnips. Avsmonkeys everywhere are praising the heroics of Martin Skoula and Alex Tanguay, two players who only weeks ago were hated throughout Denver and dangled as trade bait for Martin Lapointe. Back-to-back wins over a ragtag, slumping Wings squad (during which the Dives scored 6 goals in two games... one less than the Wings scored in the final game of the Dives' '02 season) have triggered calls for additional street namings, number retirement ceremonies and parades throughout town.
Not wanting to be left out, the Media Homers have leapt straight to the front of the bandwagon. Only a few weeks ago, Sandy Clough was on AM 950 declaring that Peter Forsberg should be dangled as trade bait. (Did you hear that, Aftonbladet? Blasphemy!) But, oh, what a difference a 10-game unbeaten streak makes. One month later, to hear Clough rifling through his tattered thesaurus in search of gushing fluffery to lavish on his new favorite player, you'd think Forsberg had posted a want ad for a bunion rubbing towel boy.
Likewise, two months ago Marc "NASCAR" Moser could barely bring himself to say the word "hockey" on his 950 sports show. Now, suddenly and remarkably, Moser's Divealanche cap is out of mothballs and back on his melon, signaling his annual migration to the front of the Divemobile.
And what about Divealanche.com? What is happening around here now that every single thing we have said about these shameless, front-running, fair weather Goodtime Charlies has been proven true?
Business as usual, folks.
You Folks In The Cheap Seats, Please Just Rattle Your Jewelry
Stop The Presses! The Words "Divealanche.com" Appear In The Denver Post!
(2/10/03) The Sunday edition of the Denver Post featured Divealanche.com as this week's "Website Of The Week". As you can imagine, so thrilled were we to receive this dainty handful of tasty bonbons that we threw a gala event Sunday night in the LoDo loft offices of Turtletown Industries. Everyone who is anyone in the Denver media was there, sipping Coors Light and tonics, listening to Sade, and eating brie on fancy crackers with our pinkies extended, and... and... and...
Okay, so a lot of that never really happened.
Anyway, though it's surely super neato to get a tentative little pat on our mongrel head from the same shaky, liver-spotted hands that we routinely bite, we can't say we were surprised. Our sources on the street claim that local writers have been thieving ide-... er, seeking inspiration from Divealanche.com for months now. Indeed, dropping the words "Divealanche.com" in certain circles has become the newest craze among Denver's media elite, an instant testament to one's hipster cred while doing lunch with Mark Kizla, Dealin' Doug and the Gabby Gourmet.
But we digress. There are two points to the article that need to be addressed.
As is usually the case with Denver folks, the Post implied that this site is solely of interest to Red Wings fans in the same way that "anti-Red Wings" sites are primarily visited by Dives fans.
First, judging by emails, t-shirts orders and other stuff, the breakdown of loyal visitors to this site actually looks something like this:
Stars Fans - 30%
Wings Fans - 25%
Kings Fans - 25%
'Nucks Fans - 15%
Others - 5%
(There, I'm pretty sure that adds up to 100%)
Second, this site gets more hits in a week than the big anti-Wings sites get in a month. Combined.
But anyway, props to Mike Judson for having the stones to mention a site that probably occasionally makes his blood boil.
Now, if we could only find out what that paper in Sweden said. It must've been good... the entire nation wants to kill us!
Peter Forsberg And Divers Like Him Are A Disgrace To The NHL
Floppa Gets Busted For Diving In Detroit!
Once Again, Divealanche.com Is Proven To Be Light Years Ahead Of The Sports Media In Documenting The Embarrassing Strategy Of The Jake And His Teammates!
(2/7/03) Any lingering doubts about Divealanche.com's ongoing exposé on Peter Forsberg for being the league's worst dive artist were dashed to bits last night in Detroit, where Floppa was caught performing a patented Forsberg Flop before a national hockey audience.
Forsberg --supposedly one of the greatest skaters in the history of hockey-- threw his legs out from under him and fell flat on his face after being lightly brushed by the stick of Kirk Maltby. Though Forsberg does this game after game and is usually rewarded for it (sometimes with the suspension of opposing players) last night's performance was so blatant that the league finally had to suck it up and send Floppa to the box.
Seeing Floppa The Great finally brought to justice was gratifying for us here at Divealanche.com, but also bittersweet. As we have said here time and time again, Forsberg could be called for diving at least five times during any particular game. Moreover, we would like to see ALL divers on EVERY NHL TEAM dealt GAME MISCONDUCTS for diving like Forsberg regularly does.
Still, this is a start. It's good to know that the entire hockey world has now seen the truth that we have been preaching for months. Congratulations, Peter... you just buried the needle on Divealanche.com's hit counter!
Of course, today you will hear nothing about Forsberg's diving from Moser, Clough, Evans, Haynes or the rest of the Divealanche Media Enablers. Their homer heads are buried so deep up Floppa's rear end that they can polish his tonsils.
"Guns" Roy & Teammates Still In Denial After
Worst Playoff Humiliation In NHL History
Megalomaniac Goalie Claims 7-0 Bitchslapping In Detroit Didn't Affect Dives...
This From A Man Who Fled Montreal After Getting Lit Like A Christmas Tree!
(2/6/03) As another Divalanche/Red Wings matchup approaches, Patsy Roy remains frozen in total denial over the utter humiliation the Dives suffered last year in Detroit.
"The past is the past," muttered the old liar in today's Denver Post. "If I let the past affect me I wouldn't have won two more Stanley Cups after my last game in Montreal."
Of course, the fact that Mushmouth still brings up That Game In Montreal proves that he is lying. As everyone who follows the NHL knows, no player is more obsessed with his own history as the Statue Of Royberty. Like the Montreal Debacle, the memory of that 7-0 shellacking at The Joe is another big dark blotch on the Legend Of Patrick, and it is driving him NUTS. The Dives threw everything they had at that series --Roy, Sakic, Drury and the Gallivanting Swedish Cheater, fresh off his European Jake Job-- and they got creamed. Just like Turtlegate '97, they will never live it down. Ever. And nobody is more haunted by that fact than Here's Patty.
Moreover, Roy has not played the same ever since he watched the Dives' season end from that Motown bench. This season has been his most lackluster in Colorado, and he certainly didn't deserve to go to the All-Star Game this year any more than David Aebischer did.
For the record, Rob Blake had absolutely no business being at the All-Star Game, either.
Chris Who?
Ski Vacations In Hell A Hot Item After Sheriff Parker Finds The Back Of The Net!
Mullet Nation Abuzz As Hero Lights A Lamp!
(2/5/03) Trailer parks were rocking throughout the metropolitan Denver area last night after Sheriff Scott Parker netted his first goal of the season. Area record shops are reporting a run on 8-track tapes of popular butt rock bands such as Kansas and Molly Hatchet. Meanwhile, several Commerce City liquor stores could not keep enough Boones Farm and other fortified wines on the shelves to satisfy the sudden demand.
This morning, several local Play It Again Sports stores are dealing with long lines of fans hoping to aquire Parker jersies.
"Most of them are bringing in old Bill Romanowski Bronco jersies," said Aurora store owner Delbert Clem. "They're asking us to scrape off the "Romo" and put "The Sheriff" on there instead. We'll do it for them, but I don't see the point. Most of their mullets are so long and thick that it's impossible to read the name on the shirt to begin with."
Meanwhile in Boston, Steve Shields reportedly remains under suicide watch at an undisclosed hospital.
Aebischer Wows Young All-Stars With
Impersonation Of Traffic Cone
Eastern Youngsters Take Turns Lighting Up Dives Backup
(2/02/03) If anyone notices a beet-red sunburn on the back of Divealanche goalie David Aebischer's neck after returning from the All-Star break, it's not from venturing out in the Florida sun without his bottle of Coppertone. No, Fondu Dave's latest case of redneck came from the goal light behind him yesterday, which rarely stopped shining during Aebischer's stint in net for the Western Young All-Stars.
Goalies who are in a zone in which they block every shot that comes their way sometimes describe the experience as "seeing beachballs". But as young Aebischer learned again yesterday, it is not just a matter of seeing the beachballs as possessing the ability to actually stop them. At times during the Young All-Stars game, Aebischer appeared to be trying to prevent the puck from touching any part of his body rather than impede its progress into the net he was supposedly defending.
Divealanche fans who say they are pleased with their team's current goaltending situation are either mentally ill or smoking crank or lying (or all three... we are, after all, talking about Divesfan). If Patrick Roy goes flakey again (and he will, you can set your watch on it) and Abbie The Sieve is thrust into the spotlight when the games actually matter, the Divealanche will go down quicker than a five-dollar ho at a Las Vegas Grayhound station.
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