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Dives Resume Slide
3-game "Granato Holiday" Win Streak Is Over.
Dives Stall As 'Nucks Continue To Cruise.
(12/29/02) Like many desperate hockey clubs who cap their head coaches in order to bust a slump, the Divealanche enjoyed a rebound in the wake of the Lacroix family's mob-style hit on Bob Hartley. Unfortunately for the Dives and their fans, the "Granato Holiday" is over even before Hartley's blood has dried on their trembling hands, lasting exactly 3 games before the door slammed shut in the form of two disappointing losses.
As the smoke clears from Lizzie Lacroix's latest village razing, the Divealanche are fourth in the Northwest Division and 9 points out of first -- the same quagmire they were in before Hartley took the pipe. Even after firing their coach, the much hoped for "December Rebound" did not happen. The Dives still appear to be, in the immortal and prophetic words of Mike Keane, gutless... heartless.
The expertly-purchased Colorado franchise that once battled the Wings and Stars for NHL domination is currently grappling for position with the midcard jobbers of the Western Conference. What will Lizzy do now? Who will be next to sleep with the fishes?
Lacroix had better do something and do it quick. As everone familiar with the old Hockey Rockies knows, Denver fans won't show up without a Cup.
Hartley Takes The Fall!
Pierre Lacroix Continues To Go Lizzie Borden On His Hockey Team!
Fires Head Coach!
Chaos Runs Rampant Through Turtletown!
(12/18/02) Divealanche.com has just received news that Avalanche coach Bob Hartley has been fired. As Wednesday draws to a close, GM Pierre "Lizzie" Lacroix's insane axe game of "Swing First, Ask Questions Later" has left the Divealanche Nation in shock and searching for answers. Is Lacroix out of control? Has the Divemobile jumped the guardrail?
Where will the ball land when the roulette wheel stops spinning? Stay tuned!!
Avs And Flames Battle For Control Of Northwest Division Basement
Both Teams Now Evenly Matched Thanks To Drurymorris Trade
(12/15/02) The Divealanche were able to pull off a victory to cap their tour of northwest Canada, an area they once owned. Thankfully for Colorado fans, the Drurymorris trade has left the Flames even more disheveled and aimless than the Avs, allowing Colorado to eke out a 3-1 victory in a confusing game best described as a battle of the trade-bots.
"It was weird," said one Calgary fan. "Morris scored and everybody jumped up and cheered, but then we sat back down. Then Yelle scores and we're all bummed, but then the guy next to me jumped up and started clapping, so I did too. Then Mcammond scores and the place went nuts... for a second."
Even Dives' Coach Bob Hartley seemed confused, shouting at Stefan Yelle to "leave it all on de rink" and instructing Scott Parker to "go out dere an' punch Mcammond in de face" after Dean Mammond's goal for Colorado.
"Parkie was all set to pop Deanie," said one of Parker's and Mcammond's teammates. "Woulda been ugly if Parkie could go faster."
Canucks Establish Themselves As Alpha Males Of Northwest Division
Dives roll over and happily subordinate themselves to new boss!
(12/12/02) Faced with a golden opportunity to reestablish themselves as a power in the Northwest Division and silence their growing chorus of critics, the Divealanche instead opted not to even show up, losing 3-1 to the Canucks in Vancouver.
Not even Joe Sakic's 500th career goal, a healthy Peter Forsberg, or the offensive presence of Sheriff Parker was enough to snap the Dives from their season-long slouch.
"This is the lowest. Things have gone from worst to worstest," said one Dives source. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go help the guys finish up the sandwiches."
The REAL 10 Reasons
Why The Dives Are Tanking
All eyes to the chalkboard, kids. School is once again in session! Sharpen your pencils, Media Homers. Here are your talking points for the next six months!
#1 - Exit of Assistant Coach Bryan Trottier:
A huge loss to the Colorado organization, yet barely discussed by Denver's media apes (we can almost hear Sandy Clough scoffing at this as we type). The NHL Hall Of Famer's presence on the bench was a huge boost for the non-NHLer, Bob Hartley. As Hartley's assistant, Trottier tapped a level of respect from the players that the rookie coach would otherwise not have had. The former Islander great might not have been driving the Divemobile, but it sure as hell appears he was the steering wheel.
#2 - The Drury Trade:
So obvious that it barely warrants discussion. A team trades away its clutch goal scorer and subsequently finds itself lacking... a clutch goal scorer. Doh!
#3 - Western Finals Shellshock:
The 800 lb gorilla in the living room. There is a feeling among the Divealanche nation that if everybody pretends that the 7-0 shellacking in Detroit never happened, maybe the whole thing will just go away. Well, it hasn't gone away. Six months later the players are still reeling from getting throttled, like Trevor Burbick crawling around the mat as Tyson carried away his belt.
#4 - No Leader:
It's times like these when the man wearing the "C" has to uncork some whupass and instill some pure unadulterated fear among his legions. Well, there might be a "C" on Joe Sakic's jersey, but it's hard to say exactly what it stands for. Cordial? Courteous? Considerate? It sure as shit don't stand for Captain.
#5 - Alex Tanguay:
As Chris Drury packed his bag and left, all eyes fell on the young Tanguay, who promptly... wilted. Since that time, Tanguay has put the lump in "slump", and the team is trying to unload him. And, oh lord, the diving. This kid goes down more often than a five-doller ho at a Shriner's convention.
#6 - Actual Competition:
For years the Avs have waltzed through the formerly candy-assed Northwest Division with only the occasional hiccup from Edmonton to interrupt the sweet music. Not anymore. As we turn the corner on December, the Wild and the Canucks are hot, hungry and not fucking around.
#7 - History Repeats Itself:
Let's review the history of the Divealanche.
1. Win Stanley Cup
2. Lose Cup To Red Wings
3. Impersonate Zombies
4. Fire Head Coach
5. Lather, Rinse, Repeat
For those keeping score at home, we're currently at step 3. More on step 4 below...
#8 - The New Rules:
Funny, but everyone thought that the crackdown on obstruction would allow the Avs to go totally apeshit on offense. Hmmmm, could it be that Colorado is just as guilty of clutching and grabbing as other teams? Maybe more? No, that couldn't be it.
#9 - Did We Mention The Drury Trade Yet?
Oh, we did? Man, was that terrible.
#10 - Pierre Lacroix's Ego
Mike Keane. Kasparaitis. The Drury Debacle. Lacroix's compulsive game of roster roulette has left his team bewildered and grasping for an identity. Will he take the blame when his tampering drives the Divemobile straight into a brick wall? Shit no! But Bob Hartley sure will. Which brings us to the question everyone is asking...
When Will Bob Hartley Take The Pipe?
As mentioned above (#7), Dives History repeats itself like a patient in a nursing home. Just like the completely insane Marc Crawford before him, Bob Hartley is going bye-bye. Hartley has established himself as a successful NHL coach, but considering the average shelf-life of NHL coaches (2-3 years), the fat lady (read: Pierre Lacroix) might not be singing yet, but she's sure as hell warming up in the wings. The only thing that could stave off the inevitable and keep Hartley on the Dives' bench is a Stanley Cup this season. Translation: Time to start talking to realtors, Bob.
Our Call: Hartley gets hosed immediately following the Dives early exit from next spring's playoffs.
Hey, don't look so glum. At least we're predicting that you'll make the playoffs.
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