|
Chalk One Up For The Karma
That Sound You Hear Is Chris Drury, Stefan Yelle, Radim Vrbata
and Bob Hartley Slapping Their Knees!
(4/23/03) Less than a week ago, Denver radio was alive with the sound of mulletted, Keystone swilling Turnips quacking and howling with delight over the defeat of the Red Wings. For two full days the entire city celebrated the fall of their feared arch rivals in Detroit, as if the Ducks' victory had guaranteed another NHL championship for the Dives. What could possibly stand between Colorado and their impending date with Lord Stanley?
Well, besides getting DONKEY PUNCHED by a band of underpaid, ice shanty-dwelling zit farms who didn't give a rat's ass how mighty everybody told them the Avs were?
Apparently the Wild didn't read the paper or listen to the radio while they were in Denver. If they had, they'd have realized that they had no business being on the same ice as "The Good Guys", and were supposed to fall to their knees and allow "Heaven's Favorite Hockey Team" to lift their glorious robes and saunter past them to glory. Script! Script!
A recap of this one? Why bother? Just imagine the movie "The Cass Elliot Story", but with the Dives playing the part of Mama Cass and the Wild playing the part of the sandwich.
Needless to say, there were no "Red Wings Suck" chants from Avsmonkeys leaving The Can last night. No quack jokes are being told on Denver radio today. The last substantial noise to resonate in Colorado was the deafening thud of the Minnesota Wild taking a shit in the Avsmonkey's collective Corn Flakes. There's probably lots of laughter in places like, oh, Calgary and, say, Atlanta right about now, but not a chuckle in Turtletown. Nothing here but the gentle hiss of the breeze blowing through the cottonwoods, robins chirping in the aspen, and hockey players taking practice swings out near Teebox #1.
'Bout fucking perfect, we'd say.
Hush Puppy Ala Mode
Mark Kizla Opens Mouth, Scarfs Shoe
(4/21/03) Denver Post columnist Mark Kizla appears poised to join Mike Evans' permanent table at the International House Of Shoe Leather after his ridiculous Denver Post column titled, "Ugly Truth Is Wild No Match For Avs".
The series is now 2-3 after the Wild punked the Dives in Game 5.
Oblivious to the possibility that he would be proven a fool, Kizla --sort of a yuppie Woody Paige for the Park Meadows crowd-- spooned up a heaping helping of steaming cornpone:
"Minnesota does not belong on the same ice as the Avalanche"
"The Wild is taking their... low-rent players back to Minnesota, where somebody actually likes them."
"But the Avalanche losing a playoff series to Minnesota? C'mon. Don't be stupid."
"There 'aint but 20 indians down there, General Custer"... oops, sorry. That was a different article.
No match for the Avs? You don't say. Funny, but last time we looked at the standings the Wild had used The Can, wiped, flushed and flown back to Minnesota to prepare for Game 6. Obviously there must be another Minnesota Wild, right? The team we watched last Saturday --who shut down Floppa and Stupor Joe, lit up Here's Patsy and shuffled back to Minni higher than kites-- was plenty of a "match" for the Dives. Just ask Floppy The Great, who threw a tantrum after the game because he isn't getting the preferential officiating he needs in order to play his game.
Better get used to it, Flopsberg. The teams who are waiting in the wings for you and the Dives are gonna make the Wild look like a day at Disneyland.
Move over Patsy... J.S. Giguere Is Now Favorite Divealanche Goalie!
Giguere's Number "35" To Hang From The Crowded Rafters Of The Pepsi Center As Avsmonkeys Declare Denver Anaheim's Westernmost Suburb!
(4/17/03) J.S. Giguere has been signed to replace Patrick Roy as the goalie of the Colorado Divealanche. How else can you explain the parades, celebrations and collective pud whacking sessions taking place throughout Denver this morning?
In the wake of the Ducks' defeat of the Red Wings, Giguere Mania has swept Denver, as Avsmonkeys celebrate the Ducks' netminder's ability to do something that their own Patsy Roy can't... namely, get over on the Wings.
Miraculously, NHL hockey is once again being discussed during radio broadcasts on AM 950, with checkers, rodeo and Nascar taking a back seat at least until the next Dives failure. Meanwhile, Play It Again Sports stores throughout Denver are reporting brisk sales as front-running Avsmonkeys line up to order Colorado jerseys with "Giguere" screen-printed on the back.
"I just wish that there Jiggy feller had played goal fer the Dives last year," said Duane Clem while waiting in line in line, stroking his mullet and sipping from an Old Milwaukee tallboy. "Then we'd maybe have beat them Wingie Dingies 'stead of gettin' our tails kicked!"
Evans Blows It For Colorado
950's Morning Homer Removes Foot From Mouth And Declares That Divealanche "Are Going To Win The Cup" Now That Detroit Is Circling The Drain
(4/16/03) With their feared rival the Red Wings apparently set to become a first-round casualty, Avsmonkeys are quietly hopeful that this year's faceless batch of Fire Sale Divealanche players can avoid a repeat of last year's humiliating ending and hoist another Stanley Cup. Unfortunately those hopes have just been dealt a horrific blow as Mike Evans has declared that, with the Wings gone, the Dives will now win it all.
Evans is best known in hockey circles for his 2001 proclamation that the Red Wings were finished and could no longer compete with the Dives... one year before the Wings dealt the Dives the worst humiliation in NHL playoff history. Now, still cluelessly oblivious to the destruction that his giddy, homer predictions have wrought upon his team, Evans is back in the ring to drop another jinx on the Divemobile.
Regardless of how this one plays out, Evans has offered a fascinating glimpse into one of the most deeply held Avsmonkey beliefs: There are only two hockey teams in the entire NHL. And as usual, the biggest sports story in Colorado is the comings and goings of the Red Wings.
Who Is The Divealanche Homer Of The Year?
Send Us Your Vote By Friday April 18!
Well, the regular season is over and it's time to select the 2002-03 Divealanche.com Homer Of The Year! Below is the list of nominees. Select your choice for this season's most shining example of homerism and email it to us! The deadline to vote is Friday, April 18.
The Nominees
Marc Moser
Are there any two words that more perfectly represent the very concept of homerism than "Marc Moser"?
Kelly & McNab
They are a set, so vote for them both.
Barry Melrose
Technically, more of a Shameless, Front-Running Goodtime Charlie than a homer. But still deserves a shot.
Sandy Clough
The choice of homer connoisseurs.
Mike Evans
His 2001 pronouncement that the Red Wings could no longer hang with the Dives secured his place in the Shoe Eater's Hall Of Fame.
Mike Haynes
A walking Kroenke Sports, Inc. Investor's Prospectus. If the Dives ever folded, Haynes would pop and evaporate like a soap bubble.
Terry Frei
That ball is still in the air!
Woody Paige
Please, don't vote for him. Don't even look. Just turn and walk the other way.
Vote here
Division Title Parade Scheduled For Monday!
Colorado Celebrates As Blues Roll Over For Dives So They Won't Have To Play Each Other In Round One
(4/6/03) Unable to accomplish their much-touted "Pursuit Of History" for themselves, the Dives finally got some outside help from former employee Joel "Don't Hurt Me, Joey!" Quenneville, whose practice squad Blues intentionally threw their final game against the Dives so that St. Louis can face flakey Vancouver in the first round of the NHL playoffs.
With Al MacInnis, Chris Osgood, Scott Mellanby, Shjon Podein, and other players taking the day off, the Blues obviously had no intention of making the Dives earn this one. Instead, St. Louis grabbed their collective ankles and grinned with glee as the Divealanche used them like Boy Scouts use old gym socks, racking up three first period goals without breaking a sweat. Perhaps an intermission phone call from Gary Bettman compelled the Blues to briefly come to life in the second, but this was never a contest at any point. When the final horn sounded, both teams rushed off the ice (holding hands, according to some reports) to watch the Vancouver game on television, probably in the same locker room.
Meanwhile in Vancouver, the Canucks were busily demonstrating to the world that they are still quite capable of blowing clutch games at crucial times, getting blanked by the visiting Kings 2-0. Vancouver fans should be very concerned right now. Earlier in the season this team looked capable of beating anyone in the league. Now, skating backwards into the playoffs, the Nucks look capable of being beaten by anyone in the league. No need for us to hash over it here. For a recap of today's loss to L.A., go to Webster's and look up the term "pillow biter".
Memo to Divesfan: Enjoy your big Divisional hoorah. Call us when you win one that counts.
Memo to Joel Quenneville: Nice job rolling over... but what else would we expect from you around playoff time?
Memo to Joey Kocur: Next time, just use that chair to smash the partition.
What The Hell Was That?
Huge Loss To The Kings Points To Playoff Problems For The Dives
(4/3/03) Once again, Colorado was handed a golden opportunity last night to claim the Division title they've been "historically pursuing."
Once again, they choked like Mama Cass Elliott left unsupervised in a Subway shop.
The Divealanche had every duck they could possibly hope for lined up in a row for them last night. A 3-2 lead over a non-playoff Kings squad they've owned all season. A 3-3 tie in the Vancouver/Phoenix game, leaving the Dives in the divisional driver's seat they've so desperately wanted. All they had to do was pull the trigger and fire. And so they did... straight into their own clown feet.
Roy was putrid, stopping only 18 of 22 shots. Even worse, he lost his temper and sealed the Dives fate late in the third, when Here's Patty clocked Sean Avery in the head with his stick (come back Marty Turco, all is forgiven). Two games away from the playoffs and Roy is exhibiting all the warning signs of a mental meltdown.
Of course, the Kings themselves deserve huge props for coming out late in the game and treating the Dives like a drunk farmer treats his redheaded mule. Throughout the third period Colorado was so far back on their heels that Ron Jeremy was reportedly ready to take the ice.
Forget the Divisional title, Avsmonkey. That shit is over. The much bigger concern right now is the fact that this team is entering the playoffs with a dismal record against playoff clubs and a penchant for getting rolled in clutch games (wonder what Chris Drury was doing last night). Even worse, your first playoff test comes against a sociopathic St Louis team that is the NHL equivalent of the Manson Family.
Our call: This year's Colorado squad has as much chance of making it to the Conference Finals as a Krispy Creme has of remaining uneaten in Pierre's office.
Smoke & Mirrors
Colorado Pads Their Stats Against The NHL Fire-Sale Teams, But Their Recent Record Against Contenders Is Pure Sketch
(4/2/03) As the playoffs draw closer, Colorado's cakewalk March schedule has allowed fans of the team to bask in homer delusions while the Dives pad their record against the bottom of the NHL barrel (well, except for that little glitch in Buffalo). In fact, a closer examination of the Dive's recent record indicates that this team may be just as shaky skating into the playoffs as they were earlier in the season.
Though the Dives may look mighty impressive when matched up against the likes of the Panthers and Blue Bonnets, their March record against teams that are actually headed to the playoffs is a lousy 1-3-1, with the single win coming in overtime...
3/7 at Tampa Bay - Loss
3/8 at Philly - OT Win
3/15 at Detroit - Loss
3/16 at Washington - Loss
3/25 at Ottawa - Tie
This explains why the organization and their fans put so much importance on snagging that pointless Divisional title. With this kind of record against the league's top teams, the Dives could be looking at a hasty exit from this year's playoffs.
|
