Guest Bagger: The MFing Bish Answers Divealanche Reader Mail* What is up Divealanche fans? My name is Steve Bisheff and some of you might know me as "The Bish." The Bish rides through Southern California in his Escalade, ridding some sweet 30s, pumping out the mad notes of "Jungle Love" (a song I wrote for Morris Day and the Mother Fucking Time), while I bang broads hotter than Kelly Monaco while entertaining the millions of Bishomaniacs in the Bish (Orange County) Register. That is why I am the Bish and I demand your respect. Some of the lower level stringers and plebes have thought to get fresh with the Bish on occasion. Those unfortunate souls have met the backside of my dog-eared notebook and later checked into McNamara/Troy for some unscheduled plastic surgery. You think you are hard? I am the only man that has stared Chuck Norris in the eye and made him say uncle. Then Walker Texas Ranger met the backside of that dog-eared notebook and has never been heard from again. But that is just how the Bish rolls. So remember that before you try to crack wise with your questions. The Bish is happy to drop his science for the hockey fans. For those of you that have never had the privilege of reading the Bish’s work, let me bust you off a sample. The answer is that an aging Fedorov no longer is a difference-maker. And Fedorov no longer can be counted upon to play anything close to a full schedule. Is there any doubt why people drop those two bits to catch some of the Bish’s fresh takes on a daily basis? So let me don the lab coat as the Baron of the Beaker prepares to drop the mad science on all of the ignorant masses of Divealanche.com. Dear Bish Bag, What do you think of the Avalanche this season? S. Shortcake, Aurora If you really want to know anything about hockey, you had to be there during the Colorado Rockies run during the 1970s and early 1980s. That’s right hockey fans, the original Colorado Rockies were a hockey team that played in Denver during that time period before moving to New Jersey. I was working as a writer for the LA Herald Examiner during those days, covering the Kings at the Great Western Forum. The Bish does not like to brag, but when Rene Robert, Gary Croteau and Mike Christie came to town, you knew there were going to be a couple of young bucks running wild down on the Sunset Strip. So you know hockey guys love their booze. But they were going to be in for a show. I remember loading Christie into my Iroq and cruising up to the strip to check out a local band called Motley Crue. After the show, we were joined by David Lee Roth and went back to the Motley house, which was only a few steps up from the venue. Let’s just say that the Bish and Roth showed these Canucks and fledgling metal heads how to party. Dear Male Bish, Do you think that the new rules changes are going to increase scoring? B. Grant, Blackhawk You want to know what increased scoring during the Battle of the Network Stars during the 1970s? It was the Bish covering the event for the Los Angeles Herald Examiner. Scoring was at an all-time high if you get my drift. There are millions and millions of Bishomaniacs world wide, but none bigger than the original Bish fan, Charlene Tilton. That was a girl that could really make your hair stand on end. The word started to get out around Hollywood that the Bish was the local beat report for the event. Then all of the broads in that day, Melissa Gilbert, Heather Locklear, Barbie Benton, Victoria Principal, Joan Collins, et al, wanted to start competing in this event. And you all know why. Think about it. Well the Bish has never lacked for tail. And while a lot of you are salivating over Stacy Keibler in Dancing with the Stars, to really appreciate hot TV women you had to be covering the Battle of the Network Stars in the 1970s. If you were not there, you were a loser. That is why I am the Bish and you are some office-space working plebe who takes time out of his busy day to see how the Bish feels about things. Dear MFing, Is the hair real? S. Weiland, Canon City The hair is real, and if anybody ever asks a question like that again, we will fight. Dear Bish, That there Zambonie. That thing got a Hemi in it? K. Chesney, Fort Morgan One of the most unusual assignments I ever had was covering monster trucks and getting a chance to ride in the original Big Foot. Let me tell you, it was something to behold. You say Hemi, I say it was Herculian. But being around those monster truck drivers, I got a chance to see what good human beings they were. Kind of like NHL players. Speaking of Monster Trucks, my colleague Marcia Smith got a chance to ride in a monster truck recently. She said it was awesome. Dear MFing, Who gets to retire Lapperier's number? Los Angeles or Colorado? P. Roy, Montreal You will forgive me if I get a little misty eyed about Ian Lapperier. You see, I knew him before he was Lappy. Back when he was just a minor-league player trying to crack into the NHL with St. Louis. I remember watching him the first time he played in Montreal. I remember telling the anonymous young hottie I was banging at the time, that I felt that he was going to be a good player. I was so impressed with his play that I told her (I think her name was Nicole Eggert or something. She was on TV some years ago) that Lapperier was playing so well, he should take a lap around the Montreal Garden much like Bruce Jenner did in the Montreal Olympics. There should be no coincidence Lapperier came to be known as "Lappy" when he arrived in Los Angeles. Think about it. Dear Bishie, Is it true that Wayne Gretzky once played for the Kings? B. Melrose, Colorado Springs I was playing black jack at Harvey’s casino in Lake Tahoe when I found out that "The Great One" had been traded to Los Angeles. I was knocking down Crown and Cokes when former Vikings coach Bud Grant took a seat next to me and broke the news. I stayed at the table for another hour, at least until Grant started mad-dogging me for splitting tens. You play cards the way you want to, and I will play cards the way I want to. I finally excused myself from the table to phone the editor to see if he wanted me to do a story about it. I never really understood what the big deal was Gretzky was some kind of anonymous kid who played an obscure sport in Canada. Really, nobody in the United States, much less Orange County, had really ever heard of the guy. I noted in my column a week later (the Bish is nothing if not timely) that the Kings would rue the day that they traded away Jimmy Carson for some stiff from Canada. And I don’t mean Marty McSorely. (Some of you might not realize that renowned goon, Marty McSorely also was acquired on that day.) It was kind of a bittersweet moment for me because I had a brief twist with Gretzky’s wife, Janet Jones. Let’s just say that there were a few awkward moments in the Forum Club. One of them being receiving a hand job from the star of Police Academy 5 when Gretzky scored his 1,851 career point in October of 1989. *Note: This column is satire. It isn't even real.