10/11/2006
First On The Spleen
Dear Male Bag,
I recall that Peter Forsberg lost his spleen a while ago. Do spleens grow back?
C. Simms
Tampa Bay, FL
One of the saddest moments of my life happened when Peter Forsberg's spleen was removed. As the Avalanche beat writer for the Post, few people were closer to Floppa's spleen than I was. We saw each other just about every day, the spleen and I, invited each other to cookouts, watched football games together on Sundays. Our kids went to the same school. The morning of the incident, Peter's spleen stopped by to borrow a 9 x 13 pan for some brownies it was making. That was the last time I saw both the spleen and my pan.
Dear Male Bag,
Will the Avalanche retire Steve Konowalchuk's jersey this year?
Mo Lett
Glenwood Springs, CO
Oh, come on. F*ck you.
I'm serious, you son of a b*tch! Will they retire Steve Konowalchuk's jersey this year?
Mo Lett
Glenwood Springs, CO
Of course not. How could the Avalanche possibly retire Konowalchuk's jersey this year? With Larry Bird, Mickey Mantle, Bart Starr, Buck O'Neil, Walter Payton, Andre The Giant, Jack LeLane and Martin Skoula already scheduled, Konnie fans will obviously have to wait until next season to see number 22 swingin' in the Pepsi Center rafters.
Dear Male Bag,
yah i gotta question... are you really that retarded in finding the things you right funny? or are you just a red wings fan? now that i think of it... there really isnt much difference in wings fans and being retarded so i suppose you must be both.
Vart Tenkker
Stockholm
Now just a minute. I am not retarded. I write for the Denver Post! I wear a hat, and I have a job, and I bring home the bacon. And I am happier than you.
12/1/2005
Ice Is Tricky
Dear Male Bag,
I way up in teh seats now. lookin down ther. Why is their ice down their?
C. Lem
Fort Collins, CO
That's a good question, Clem, so I passed it along to Ian Laperriere. Lappy took a moment between scoring several hatties and had this to say regarding your question: "Widoud de ice, eh, de skades dun worek. On de concrede for essampell, dey scrabe an scrabe, eh. Oh, de scrabing! Memmuh say, 'go oudside, Ian, an pleh where id icee so de skades don scrabe, eh.' So dad dere is why, you zee."
Dear Male Bag,
Why was I in jail? Why was I in jail?
Vic Timm
Lakewood, CO
I'm not sure why you were in jail, Vic, so I forwarded your question along to The Magnificent John Michael Liles. Lileyie says that the best way to stay out of the penalty box is to listen to your physical trainer, eat whole foods and workout regularly between hatties.
What's that there jalopy what rides 'round the rink when the skaters ain't about? Can we just skip the skatin' part an' watch that there jalopy?
S. Clough
Fairplay, CO
That jalopy is called a Zamboni, Sandy. The Zamboni is used to apply a thin coating of car wax to the ice so that it's slippery enough for the skates to slide. Like most Avalanche fans, I'm quite amused to watch this enchanting machine go around and around the rink. Sometimes I'll even throw a beer bottle at it.
Dear Male Bag,
My family and I were very upset after reading Jake Plummer's comments about Denver fans. How terribly insensitive and wrong of him to imply that we are somehow bad people. Would you please publish Jake's address so we can shit on his porch and light it on fire?
Carrie O'Kee
Ralston, CO
I agree, Carrie, Jake was way out of line. I mean, it's not as if whenever the Avalanche loses, the Pepsi Center has to run an announcement asking people not to throw beer bottles onto the ice, right?
Oh, they do? Well, uh, I'm sure they do that in other cities too, right? Do they?
Uh, look at the time. Gotta run!
Dear Male Bag,
Whose job is it to inflate the pucks? They're very tiny! My boyfriend and I wonder where they stick the hose!
-- Dolly, Westminster
There is no air in a hockey puck, Dolly. I know this because I sawed one in half yesterday after I got your letter and examined it closely. When something has air in it -- like, say, a jar or a bucket or a desk drawer -- I can usually stick my head inside. But I was not able to get my head inside the puck, so I am quite sure there isn't any air in it.
Dear Male Bag,
Me and my family like popcorn. Do any Avalanche players like popcorn?
-- C. Manson, Highlands Ranch
I spoke with Milan Hejduk yesterday, Charlie. When he is not on the ice scoring hatties, Hejdie loves to partake in those fluffy white kernels that are a favorite among movie goers! I also recall that when he wasn't being clutched and grabbed and interfered with by inferior players while the referees did nothing to stop it, Peter the Great was quite fond of this buttery snack.
Dear Male Bag,
I am a huge hockey fan and, of course, I love the Avalanche. The other day I was watching a game and noticed that the players had sticks. Why do the refs allow hockey sticks on the ice?
-- B. Romanowski, Parker
I understand your frustration, Romo. I've been a professional hockey writer since the very beginning of the NHL nearly a decade ago, and I still puzzle over the number of sticks that are allowed on the ice, especially when so many of those sticks are used to hit, trip and slash Avalanche players.
A few weeks ago I called the NHL offices to ask about the sticks and, more importantly, why the opponents of the Avalanche are still allowed to use them. The league official I spoke with laughed at me and then said a few things I won't print here. In any case, it looks like the league-wide conspiracy against the Avalanche has survived the lockout!
Do you have a really stupid question for the Male Bag? Send it to male_bag@divealanche.com and we'll try to answer it.. Be sure to put "Dear Male Bag" in the subject header so your letter doesn't get deleted by our patented Avsmonkey Email Filters.
