Divealanche.com -- News -- March

"Injuries... lot's and lots of injuries!"

In The Wake Of The Bertuzzi Incident, "
Has Hypocrite Haynes Changed His Tune?

(3/31/04) Watching Steve Moore waving to the fans the other night, we couldn't help but wonder... where is Mike Haynes?

Fans of Hayne's "Between The Pipes" show on AM 950 in Denver remember how just a few weeks ago Haynes told listeners that during the Vancouver/Detroit game, Avs fans should hope for "Injuries.... lots and lots of injuries!"

So how does Mike Haynes feel now that Moore's season is over?
Did Haynes howl with delight at the site of Moore in a neck brace?
Did Haynes have to restrain the urge to run up behind Moore and knock him off his feet in order to see even more "injuries... lots and lots of injuries"?

What's that you say? You mean Mike Haynes doesn't want to see Avs players injured? Mike Haynes only wants to see other team's players get injured?

But waitaminute... wouldn't that make Mike Haynes a slimy little baldfaced hypocrite?

Memo to our readers in the Denver area: If you get a chance tonight, please call Mike Haynes "Between The Buns" show and ask him to explain why he wants to see "injuries... lots and lots of injuries", and if Haynes has talked to Steve Moore and his family about the joy he receives from "injuries... lots and lots of injuries".

Snot Throttled.

Rolled And Spanked By The Red Wings, The Dives Wake Up With Divisional Dogs Chewing At Their Heels

(3/29/04) After being snot-throttled, humiliated and left on the roadside by the Detroit Red Wings last week, the Divealanche must now hitch up their pants and try to find their way home. Forget any talk about the President's Trophy. Better teams will compete for such things. As for lowly Colorado, they're now on the verge of choking away their much-covetted and thoroughly meaningless string of NW Division titles!

Now let's be clear about something: divisional NHL titles mean absolutely nothing to anyone who doesn't worship the Divealanche. Here, let's do a little test. Without doing a web search, name all the NHL divisional winners from the 1988 season. What? You can't do it? Okay, how about '91? 98? 2001? Of course you can't name them! You have a life! Only in Denver, where the void of hockey tradition is papered over by hanging whatever cheesy satinesque rag they can come up with from the Pepsi Center rafters, does a divisional race mean jack squat. And make no mistake, if Colorado wins their division, they'll throw a freaking parade.

Who cares if the NW divisional title means nothing to most of us? It's time for all people with taste, all of us who despise the obnoxious prefab ridiculousness of Pierre's Travelling Hocky Circus, to do our part and cheer for the Vancouver Canucks and the Calgary Flames to overtake the Turnips and deprive these clueless bottle-throwing mullet jockies of ANY reason to hang a banner this season.

How freaking hilarious will it be if this billion-dollar roster doesn't even win its measly division?

"It's not a safe place," says Selanne of Rink Where His Teammates Play Hockey

Lost In The Throes Of Goal-Deprivation, Avs Forward Gibbers Insanely

(3/22/04) Colorado forward Teemu Selanne says he considered leaving the ice following Todd Bertuzzi's hit on Steve Moore earlier this month in Vancouver.

"When this thing happened with Bertuzzi, I didn't even want to go on the ice any more," Selanne told the Toronto Sun. "The players were saying the same thing, 'Let's just stop this game right now."

The problem, however, is that nobody knew Teemu was on the ice to begin with. In fact, nobody has seen Teemu Selanne on the ice in about 57 games.

Teemu, in order to "not go on the ice any more", we would assume that you had, in fact, been on the ice to begin with. But after looking over the Colorado stats and scoring sheets this year, we can find no significant evidence that you've been on the ice at all.

Were you on some other ice rink, perhaps a pond? Or maybe some other arena?

Here's an idea, Teemu. Instead of gibbering in the newspapers, why don't you surprise everybody and score a freaking goal?

Just a thought, monkey boy.

BREAKING NEWS!
Floppa Press Conference!

Inspired By Hasek, Floppy Talks To Press About His Own Salary!

(3/19/04) Inspired by the recent gesture of Dominik Hasek, who refused to accept $3 million dollars of his contract from the Red Wings because of his chronic injuries, Peter Forsberg held a brief news conference today in Stockholm, where he was playing a scrimmage game and training for the upcoming Swedish hockey season.

"In light of the fact that I've only played for the Avs about, what, three times or something this season due to my wreckless style of play," said Forsberg, "I would like to announce that, like Hasek, I will not be accepting $3 million of the money remaining in my contract."

There was a pause. Then Forsberg broke out laughing.

"BWAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAA!!!" he howled with glee. "I'm kidding of course, hahaha! There is no f*cking way you're getting any money back from me! I am Peter The Great, the mightiest man in the history of all mankind! Don't you read Aftonbladet? You should pay me $3 million just to be allowed to list my name on your roster, Avsmonkeys! Give your money back? Oh, that's a good one!! Bwaaaaaaaaahahahahahahaaaaa!!"

"Hasek is a fool," chuckled Floppa as he lit a Cuban cigar with a burning hundred dollar bill. "Not me! Who cares how many game's I've played? I don't care if I only played ONE game, or NONE AT ALL!! I'm injured because I get mugged all the time. Yeah, yeah... that's it, that's the reason. Whatever. You fools should fall to your knees and kiss the soles of my feet just for the honor of being in my presence! Go to hell! POUND SAND!!"

Forsberg then turned and left the podium to stunned silence all around.

It's All Over... The Mullet's Driving

Barry Melrose Seizes Control Of The Divemobile
And Aims It Straight For The Guardrail

(3/16/04) Sunday night on ESPN, in a moment that sent cheers of joy through every corner of the NHL universe not occupied by Turnips, Goodtime Barry Melrose announced that he has picked the Colorado Avalanche to win the Stanley Cup this season, thus guaranteeing that the Dives have absolutely no freaking chance of touching the Cup this year.

Looks like Avsmonkeys will have to be content that their string of thoroughly meaningless NW division titles will remain intact. Parade routes to be announced.

3/14/04 Short Takes!

Translation: So Much Bullshit Is Hitting The Walls Lately
We Need Water Wings To Keep On Top of It

Drurymorris & The Brilliance of Lizzy
Now that Derek Morris has been shuffled out of Turtletown on a midnight train, we don't want to hear any more gibbering about the "genius of Pierre Lacroix". Some genius... he traded away Chris Drury and Colorado ended up with Chris Gratton.

In every corner of the NHL except the homer purgatory occupied by Adrian Dater and his moronic minions, DruryMorris will go down as one of the truly boneheaded trades in hockey history.

Speaking of MasterDater, Here's a Shocker!
By his own admission, Adrian Dater --whose brain would not even pass muster as a salad topping-- says that he has only been writing about hockey since the Divealanche came to Denver.

Wow. Shocking. Really.

Coincidentally, that would also be roughly the same time the mouth-breathers who write Dater letters began reading about hockey.

Here's the real question, Adrian: Are you still using the same crayon?

Mike Haynes Hopes For Lots of Injured Players
On Mike Haynes' 950 AM "Between The Pipes" show a few weeks ago, Haynes had the following wish for the Wings/Nucks game -

"What should we hope for in the Detroit/Vancouver game?" said Haynes. "Injuries. Lots and lots of injuries."

Here's a real question, Mike: What heinous crime did you commit in your past life to be reincarnated as a complete douchebag?

"Waiter, I'll Have The Crow, Please"
Someone should ask John "Left Bookend" Kelly if he's gone to the theater to see Miracle yet. Of course, Kelly doesn't have very fond memories of the late Herb Brooks. As many of our readers recall, Brooks nearly beat the snot out of Bookend John a few years back after Kelly started gibbering on the air about how Mathew Barnaby (who at the time lay injured on the ice) "embellished his injuries", as Kelly put it. Wonder if Barnaby and Kelly have dinner plans now that Kelly's favorite "embellisher" is wearing the colors of the most blatantly embellishing team in hockey...

Yellow In Front, Brown In Back
Have you noticed that yellow light in the sky above the Pepsi Center recently? That's the glow of the bright yellow streak down David Aebischer's back after he wussed out of that fight with Vancouver's Johan Hedberg. Can you imagine what the Avsmonkeys would say about any other goalie who chickened out like that? Instead, Denver homers are calling Aebischer "smart", and they're probably right. Considering the ass-kicking Here's Patty took whenever he tried to throw down, it probably was very smart for Aebi to puss out...

Highly Sophisticated Pond Scum
It's too bad the NHL can't hand down suspensions for fans who assault and endanger visiting players and officials. We've got some candidates...

When Pylons Attack
Lastly, props to Sheriff Scott Parker. We here at Divealanche always thought you were the single most God-awful hockey player we'd ever seen shoved onto a rink, but we were wrong. You aren't even the best at being terrible. That honor goes to Peter "Stupid Penalty" Worrell, who has no freaking business being allowed on the ice. Don't worry, readers, Stupid Penalty's player profile is coming down the pipe right after we finish going flaming batshit all over Adrian Dater...

Who Is Really "Over The Line", Here?

Bertuzzi's Attack Was Ugly And Should Be Punished...

... But Avsmonkeys Have No Business Preaching To The Rest Of Us.

(3/10/04) Since we put up our front page banner speculating that --judging by their past actions-- many of the same Colorado Avalanche fans who are justifyably furious over the Moore incident would be gleeful if such brutality had been laid upon their opponents, we've received a couple emails saying that this observation is "over the line" and "disrespectful".

Oh really?
You think we are drawing unfair comparisons?

Well fine, if you don't want to hear it from our mouths, check out this Colorado Avalanche fan site, where the author's hysterical rant against the Moore incident ends with the following sentiment...

"A bigger FUCK YOU to you Crawford. You are as gutless as Bertuzzi. He is the fuck that ordered this hit on Moore no doubt. And he was to much of a pussy to do anything here in Denver!!! Wonder where Crawford learned this trick? Maybe from Detroit??? Too bad he was to much of a fucking pussy while he was here in Colorado to do something like this to the Wings."

-- milehighstanley.com

Sick. Absolutely sick. How could anyone who claims to be a hockey fan wish that kind of injury on ANY PLAYER, regardless of what uniform they wear?

But "unbelievable", you say? Not at all. Not if you know these gibbering losers as well as we do.

What we are pointing out here, folks, is not about Moore or Bertuzzi. It is about a little group of so-called "hockey fans" who have a very selective and hypocritical outrage over this kind of brutality and violence in the NHL.

LOOK AT WHAT THIS MORON SAYS, FOR CHRISSAKE! He says that if Marc Crawford were still the Avalanche coach and the bleeding player with the broken neck were a Red Wing, he would be thrilled!

Memo to "Mile Low Stanley":
Crawford and Lemiuex did "do something like this to the Wings".
And Lemiuex did it while he was safely on the Avalanche home ice, just like Bertuzzi.
And he did it from behind.
And you've made him a tribute page!

What Does It All Mean?

(3/9/04) In the wake of last night's truly unsettling events, the unthinkable has happened... we are at a loss for words.

We'd hoped that we would be able to dissect the flurry of March 9th happenings, but that's for another day. Instead, just a couple quick thoughts.

First and foremost, as hockey fans, our thoughts go out to Steve Moore. We hope that he recovers his health fully and quickly and is back on skates as soon as humanly possible.

Second, as hockey fans, we hope that the coaches, the officials and --most of all-- the upper offices of the NHL will stop today and consider if they're really doing everything they can to make sure these horrific spectacles don't happen.

BREAKING NEWS!
Lizzy To Trade Divealanche

Denver Fans Hope To Have New Team In Time For Stanley Cup Parade

(3/7/04) TSN is reporting that the City of Denver has said they will be putting the Colorado Avalanche hockey team up for sale on Monday and "buying ourselves a new one."

Sources close to Kroenke Sports say that Avs GM Pierre "Lizzy" Lacroix has boarded a flight to Canada, where he hopes to purchase a new Stanley Cup-calibre team for Denver "before the March 9th trading deadline."

Developing...

With Fans Like These...

(3/6/04) Last week when TSN mistakenly reported that Tony Granato had been whacked and Joel Quenneville had been hired to take his place, Denver radio and numerous Avalanche internet message boards were flooded with calls from Avsmonkeys who were glad to see Granato go.

Denver's AM 950 "The Homer" ran an online fan poll asking their listeners who was to blame for the Dive's recent ineptitude. Once the rumor about Granato's firing hit the airwaves, the vast majority of the poll respondent's said that the problems were all Granato's fault!!

OUCH!

How strange, though, that after Granato's firing turned out to be a hoax, there is not a single miserable peep from the shameless, front-running goodtime Charlies who pushed Granato off the cliff. No word from the Denver Post. No follow up from 950. No apologies from the team's clueless, mulleted baboon fans.

Boy, how'd you like to be Tony Granato? Imagine being so loved and admired by "the most sophisticated fans in the NHL."

Correction!

Dives Actually Scored A "Blown Lead Hattrick" Against 'Nucks

(3/5/04) We've gotten a few emails from our hawk-like readers pointing out an error in the story below. The Divealanche did not blow TWO 2-goal leads Wednesday night against. They actually blew THREE 2-goal leads.

That would be one blown lead for each goal Super Alfalfa scored... a Blown-Lead Hattrick!

Thanks as always to our patient and loyal readership for helping us keep this site 100% error-free.

Dives Sink Into Blissful Denial After They Blow Another One

Captain Alfalfa Pleased With His Team's Continued Failure To Win

(3/4/04) The Divealanche's reign of woeful inadequacy continued last night as they blew not one, but TWO 2-goal leads against the Canucks. No surprises there. But what is absolutely stunning is that the Divealanche and their fans have sunk so deeply into denial that they are spinning this pathetic effort as some kind of victory.

"It's definitely a step in the right direction," lied Joe Sakic after watching his hattrick evaporate into thin air and go for naught.

That's right. Alfalfa Joe says that blowing two 2-goal leads in the same game is just what this team was hoping for, by gum. So much for any hopes that "The Captain" plans to motivate this bunch of slackers. We've said it before, we'll say it again: the "C" on Alfalfa's sweater may stand for "courteous", it might stand for "cordial" or maybe even "considerate", but it sure don't stand for "Captain".

Of course, once the order was passed down that the Divealanche's Official Word of the Day is "denial", the Media Homers (with the notable exception of Mark Kiszla, who clearly saw last night's performance for the bad joke that it was) were only too happy to follow suit. Check out the beginning of Adrian Dater's article on the game...

"Whenever the Avalanche wants to feel good about itself, players and management can look up at the team's United Nations-like set of flags, the divisional, Western Conference and Stanley Cup championship ones hanging together blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah..."

Here's an idea, MasturDater. This June, after the Dives have been eliminated and the bandwagon is empty and fingers are pointing all over the place, you go down to the Pepsi Center and try hawking guided tours to go inside and look at those great big banners. Heck, you might even make fifty cents, which is almost enough for a cup of coffee.

Once more, slowly...

Please, Just Try To Follow Along, Avsmonkey

(3/3/04) In print and across the airwaves, an insane game of Tear Down The Strawman is being waged by Denver's Media Homers and their fans, who tirelessly point out that David Aebischer isn't the Dive's problem right now.

"The Dives would still be losing with Kolzig or even Roy in net," they gibber.

All fine and dandy except that NOBODY EVER SAID AEBISCHER IS A PROBLEM!

The problem is Phil Sauve!

The problem is that, as the situation currently stands, David Aebischer will be entering his first playoff season with a pylon in goalie gear to back him up.

Put down the empty beer bottles and take off your Divealanche colored glasses and THINK for a minute, you morons. What happens to the Dives if Aebischer flakes? What happens to the Dives if Aebischer breaks his freaking ankle or takes a puck to the head and goes lights out? How deep do you think these trampoline performers on skates are going to get if Phil Sieve ends up in net for the playoffs?

If you fools don't think you need Kolzig, you are even dumber than Divealanche.com makes you out to be. Go ahead... send Aebischer out there with Sieve to back him up. Knock yourselves out.

From The Mouths Of Boobs

Fans Offer Their Reasons Why The Avalanche Suck

(3/2/04) Why does this team blow so bad? What is going so wretchedly wrong with Lizzy's Billion Dollar Traveling Hockey Circus?

We wanted answers, so we went straight to the Pepsi Center last night and asked the Avsmonkeys themselves. Between boos and bottle throws, here are the top ten answers they gave us:

10. "Forsberg is constantly getting mugged on his way to the buffet line in the luxury suite."
9. "Obviously there's a league-wide officiating conspiracy against Colorado... piss, piss, piss... moan, moan, moan..."
8. "Kirk Maltby. That's what Adrian Dater said."
7. "Shut up and help us boo!"
6. "They need to practice their icing. That's what my son says, and he plays roller hockey at Bladium."
5. "There ain't a decent mullet on a single one o' them boys!"
4. "Hey, when you're (hic) done with that (hic) Coors Light, can I throw the bottle?"
3. "Did they trade The Sheriff? I been lookin' fer him all night..."
2. "This sport sucks. I'm climbing on the Nuggets' bandwagon."
1. "It's f*cking Martin Skoula's fault."

Nice Season, Abbie. Now Go Warm The Bench!

(3/1/04) Whether he knows it or not, Phil Sieve... er... Sauve's career as the Divealanche's Number 2 goalie ended in Columbus Saturday night at some point in time between the 3rd and 4th appearance of the pesky red light behind him. The Fat Lady is warming up in the wings, ax in hand.

Whether David Aebischer knows it or not, the same Fat Lady (between bites of what appears to be a custard-filled chocolate donut) will be simultaneously belting one out for Abbie.

Regardless of how surprisingly well Aebischer has performed in net this season, loyalty and perseverance mean nothing once Lizzy trots out her ghastly blade and goes into the March 9th Trance. And now that Phil Sieve has made a routine game against the Blue Jackets resemble an All Star contest, there is no way Lizzy is gonna let Abbie stride out onto the playoff tightrope like Karl Wallenda in a Puerto Rican wind storm.

Our Call: Kolzig gets a Dives jersey and gets the start.