BREAKING NEWS!
Forsberg Headed To Sweden Next Year
Divealanche's Nut-Punching Forward Is Contracted
To Play In Swedish League
(2/28/04) For anyone who was wondering if the week could get any worse for Avsmonkey, the following torpedo has just blindsided the Divemobile...
Swedish newspaper Aftonbladet (translates to "ostrich-meat wiener" in English) is reporting that Peter Forsberg is inked to play hockey in Sweden next season
Translation: He ain't coming back, Avsmonkey.
Developing...
Home Is Where The Heart Isn't
Dives Blow A 2-0 Lead And Get Booed Off Their Home Ice
(2/27/04) A chorus of boos cascaded across the Pepsi Center ice last night as the Divealanche blew a 2-goal lead and had to settle for a tie with the struggling Blues. To add injury to insult, both "Airborne" Alex Tanguay and Stupid Penalty were hurt during the game.
If there is a silver lining to the cloud that has settled over The Can, it is that the Dives are playing with consistency. Joe Sakic, Paul Kariya and Teemu Selane are consistently invisible. Rob Blake is consistently spraying slap shots everywhere but in the basket. Avsmonkeys are consistently behaving like morons. Denver's Media Homers are consistently littering the airwaves with gibbering homer nonsense. And Lizzy Lacroix is consistently sharpening his bloody ax and preparing to go flaming batshit all over this roster.
Is there anyone out there who doesn't think Lizzy is getting ready to whack everything that moves? The 2003 Colorado Divealanche were put together for one purpose and one purpose only: to prove to the world that Pierre Lacroix's wallet is deep enough to buy the Cup. This roster of players was supposed to win every single game on their schedule by 18 goals or more. To listen to Denver's front-running Media Homers talk last summer you'd have thought the team could just skip the Cup finals altogether and go straight to their Hall of Fame inductions.
Instead, as we turn the corner into the playoff stretch, the Divealanche are leaving their home ice to thunderous boos from the moonlighting football fans still smarting over the Bronco's early playoff exit. But perhaps the Dives should feel fortunate that they were only showered with verbal abuse instead of the usual volley of beer bottles.
Oh well. It's Just A Game.
At least nobody threw bottles on the ice.
(2/24/04) The Avalanche lost another tough one tonight. But at least they tried to play good. In the end it isn't about winning or losing, it's about how you play the game. And the Avs certainly played the game. They just didn't do it very well.
Who else can we sign to play for us?
There must be someone else out there who can help.
Skoula Pays The Price For The Sisters' Lack Of Offensive Output
As March 9th Draws Near And The Colorado Losing Streak Continues, Lizzy Trots Out His Axe And Starts Looking For Scapegoats
(2/21/04) After the Dives played Marilyn Chambers to the Stars' Ron Jeremy last night, Martin Skoula finally smoked the proverbial pipe for real, providing Pierre Lacroix with a nice diversionary move to distract attention from the fact that his billion dollar army of forwards can't light the lamp.
How nice for Paul Kariya, Teemu Selane, Alex Tanguay, Joe Sakic, and Milan Hejdik that clunky old Martin Skoula was there to serve as a scapegoat for their wretched offensive performances over the past week.
As much as we have banged on Martin Skoula on this site, let us say here and now that we sincerely hope he makes a decent name for himself now that he has been cast out of Hockey Purgatory (really, it's a blessing if you think about it). How absolutely perfect would it be if Skoula went on to become a league all star? We've seen Bob Hartley roll into The Can and exact his revenge from those bottle-throwing shitbags. Anything could happen.
Pleasant dreams, Avsmonkey. That sound you hear is Lizzy sharpening his axe.
Losing Streak Continues For Hapless Turnips
More Star Players Needed, Apparently
(2/19/04) National pundits might be at a loss for words to explain the Divealanche's home-ice fumbling, but it's really no puzzler to those of us familiar with Avsmonkey. How would YOU like to have to play every night before a bunch of hollering, bottle-throwing rodeo clowns? How can Denver fans expect the players to feel any reverence toward The Can when the Avsmonkeys themselves litter the ice with beer bottles and garbage? The Dives can't be expected to defend the honor of the Pepsi Center any more than they'd defend the honor of a portable plastic outhouse.
But you'd still expect a handpicked roster of multimillionaires to be able to hold up against a popsicle-and-masking-tape franchise like the Oilers. And you would be expecting too much, apparently, because last night Edmonton rode into Denver and dropped the clown hammer on Floppy, Sakic, The Sisters, Tanguay, Hejduk, Stupid Penalty, and the whole pampered lot, kicking the Divealanche from one end of the ice to the other while the Nation of Turnips sat there wishing they'd bought Nuggets tickets instead. The only worse performance in Colorado this week came from Gary Barnett, but we don't talk about those things here...
Look at the Colorado roster. This collection of players should win every single game they play. How could anyone spend so much money on something and have it stink like that? Er, wait... don't answer that, Rangerfan. But really, the demonstration in floundering that Colorado put on last night was so bad, so freaking bad, that we actually began to feel sorry for them. Imagine your asshole neighbor driving down the block in his new Range Rover --real slow so that everyone will see him -- but when he pulls into his driveway the transmission falls out the bottom. And you're sitting there raking leaves, and of course you're choking back the laughter. But you also kind of feel bad for him, even though he's an asshole.
On a side note, we've said it before, we'll say it again: Colorado has goaltender issues. Big ones. If you think we're on crack, then Lizzy Lacroix is smoking from the same pipe. Wait and see.
Look Daddy! Teacher Says Every Time The Dives Lose, An Angel Gets His Wings
Gazoo Puts The Skids On Aebischer Lucky Streak
(2/17/04) David Aebischer's lucky streak ended last night at the hands of Daniel "Gazoo 1" Sedin, who smoked Swiss Miss to chalk up the only goal necessary to defeat the Dives last night. Watching Gazoo 1 and his brother, Henrik "Gazoo 2" Sedin, buzzing around his net, Swiss Miss must have thought he was Fred Flintstone being tormented by little flying martians.
Any night that the Dives get punked is like Christmas for anyone with taste, but last night's game was especially fun, with both teams playing exceptionally dirty from midway through the first period. Particularly pleasing was the ongoing tussle between Floppa The Jake and Vancouver's magnificent Jarkko "Roto" Ruutu, who tormented Floppy into taking a stupid penalty and at one point teed up Forsberg's head like a Titleist and went John Daly on it. Even we here at Divelanche.com were expecting a major-ass penalty after that -- I mean, we detest Forsberg's antics as much as anybody, but come on... you cannot take someone's face to the driving range. Amazingly, however, there was no call, and you can bet Flopsberg was hollering about that. In fact, Ruutu's antics threw the gallivanting Swedish puckhog so far out of his game that Floppy tried to climb on Ruutu's back and ride him onto Vancouver's bench, earning a two-minute breather for the exasperated dipsy doodler.
Speaking of stupid penalties, is there ever a game when Peter Worrell doesn't take one? Does Granato just lean over to Worrell and say, "Okay, Pete, go out there and lumber around and take a stupid penalty"? Seriously, Worrell makes Martin Skoula look like Stephen Hawking.
From here on out we're just going to call him "Stupid Penalty". That is Peter Worrell's new Divealanche nickname.
Here's Paddy Wants League To Instill Fear In Goalies Who Might Break His Records
Legendary Megalomaniac Wants Smaller Pads, Bigger Nets... No Masks?
(2/10/04) In a bald-faced attempt to seal off his goaltending legacy, Patrick Roy now says that the NHL should make goalies play with smaller pads.
That's right, the same goalie who perfected the use of mattress-sized pads, satellite dish gloves and large, draping "flying squirrel" jerseys now wants the league to slash pad sizes before Martin Broduer gets any closer to breaking his records.
"Im not going to make friends after I say this, but I think goaltenders should go back to 10-inch pads."
But Here's Paddy doesn't stop there. No, the same goalie who exploited every modern equipment advantage available in order to surpass Terry Sawchuk's records (Sawchuk didn't even have a freaking mask most of his career, folks) now says he wants the nets to be bigger, too:
"I think to evolve the game you should have the goal post smaller to the outside... That will give three inches on each shot for every shooter, and thats plenty for them."
At one point in the interview, Roy even seemed to suggest that --now that he is safely retired-- goalies are receiving too much benefit from being allowed to wear face masks:
"Theres no more fear in goaltending anymore. Now goalies take a slap shot in the mask and shake their head and theyre ready. In the past, the guy was leaving the game and we had a lot of stitches in the face."
For those who are wondering, this is the same Patrick Roy who, while he was playing, responded angrily to a league crackdown on goalie equipment, sarcastically grumbling "Why don't they just make the net bigger?"
No word yet on whether Here's Paddy would also like the league to ban midgets.
We don't make this shit up, folks. It just falls into our laps.
Dives Fans Show Their Stripes Again
Avsmonkeys Litter Own Ice With Trash After Getting Rolled By Wings
Granato Orders Hit On Yzerman. Even After Loading Themselves With "Finesse Forwards", Dives Must Rely On Cheap Shots.
(2/6/04) Unable to beat the Red Wings with finesse or skill, the Divealanche turned to their usual diving and goon tactics last night. And they still got punked.
After being spotted two free goals at the beginning of the game, the Divealanche got snot kicked by their superior rivals, who treated David "Swiss Cheese" Aebischer the way a sausage maker treats his casings. Even with the referees safely in their pockets --issuing imaginary penalties for goalie interference and a textbook Floppa dive-- Colorado could not defend the honor of their home ice. Anyone looking for Floppa last night would've had better luck checking the Lodo Grill than the Pepsi Center.
Seeing that his team was unable to get it done, Divealanche Head Coach Tony Granato gave the signal for his players to begin diving. After a dive attempt by Stupor Joe Sakic went uncalled, a furious Granato issued the order for the Dives to resort to hitting players in the face with sticks. Within minutes, twin sissies Steve Konowalchuk and Adam Foote were in the penalty box to watch Swiss Miss take the final goal from Brett Hull... long, straight and up the middle. No word yet on whether Hullie left a fiver on Aebischer's night stand afterward.
As the Wings zipped up their pants and exited The Can, the Turnips went bonkers, angrily throwing Coors Light bottles (bad call... they taste better empty) and littering their arena with garbage. Way to go, Avsmonkeys! Nothing like once again demonstrating to the entire NHL nation that you are a bunch of moronic baboons.
Of course, as anyone could have predicted, the Denver sports airwaves today are clogged with whines from Divealanche homers who believe their players should be exempt from NHL rules barring sticks to the face.
A perfect end to another perfectly enjoyable ass kicking.
The Dater Article... Briefly
Personally, we just think the guys wants his Homer Profile
(2/6/04) Over the past few days several readers have pointed us toward a ludicrous article in Adrian Dater's Male Bag in which Dater pooh poohs criticism from many corners of the NHL that Peter Forsberg embellishes any contact that is made against him (read: he dives).
Ourselves, we've never heard such things, and are frankly shocked.
Now first off, we don't care to ponder this Adrian Dater's Bag, or anyone else's for that matter. Besides, the article in question is really nothing we haven't seen or heard 12,874 times (and that's just in Aftonbladet). But since some of you want a rebuttal, here you go...
The article in question is pure homer fluff. Like every beast chewing its cud in the Denver Sports feed lot, Dater earns his oats riding Forsberg's jock and would never dream of endangering his gravy train by answering such a question objectively. Instead, he dismisses such charges as "bogus" byproducts of jealousy and ignorance, not even acknowledging that Forsberg has been penalized for diving and that complaints about him have come from various corners of the league.
True to the usual form, Dater attempts to deflect attention from his hero by pointing a finger at Kirk Maltby. Even funnier is that everything Dater accuses Maltby of doing --embellishing hits, whining, petulantly slashing back at opponents-- are Peter Forsberg trademarks.
Is Maltby guilty of this stuff? Yes, and he has been called for it.
Is Floppa guilty of this stuff? Yes, and he has been called for it.
The only difference is that Wings fans don't have any problem with people calling Maltby dirty. They'd probably chuckle about it. Dives homers like Dater, on the other hand, would sooner gnaw their own fingers from their hands than acknowledge that Peter Forsberg has ever --ever-- taken a dive, played dirty, or been anything less than a saint. It is exactly the same attitude that allows Turnips to turn a blind eye when Bryan Marchment dons their colors, and cheer wildly after Adam Foote gashes a player's face open with his stick. They are the Avalanche, by gum. They poop daisies and fart perfume.
Of course, no homer defense of Forsberg would be complete without a gibbering nod to the Avsmonkey's favorite black helicopter theory... The League-Wide Officiating Conspiracy To Keep Forsberg From Getting All The Calls That Are Due Him:
"Forsberg is hooked and held every time he gets the puck..."
Blah, blah, blah... whine, whine, whine... everybody in the league is dirty except for us... yak, yak, yak...
In short, nothing to see here, folks. Just another of the truckloads of blathering huey that've been fertilizing the fields here in the land of Divealanche.com for years.
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