Dives Need To Step It Up!
(12/24/03) For a team that was so painstakingly assembled to drag Lord Stanley kicking and screaming back to the Pepsi Center Death Star, the 2003 Divealanche is absolutely failing to sack up at this point in the season.
This was a team which was --according to Denver's giddy Media Homers and Avsmonkeys everywhere-- supposed to bury every opponant they encountered with an unstoppable offensive barrage never before seen on ice. Instead, the Dives are looking up at Calgary and Vancouver in their own division and are 9 points behind their hated rival Red Wings, who lead the Western Conference.
Meanwhile, of all the hotshot forwards on the Dives roster, only Joe Sakic has managed to crack the current list of top 10 NHL scoring leaders
Where are all the 17-0 shutouts that we were promised? Where are the video collages of opposing teams fleeing the ice, waving white flags of surrender to the sound of statistician's heads exploding, unable to tally all the records being broken by the Greatest Team In The History of Hockey?
We want our money back!
Hinote Not Taking Any Crap!!
Angry Jobber Not Happy About Fan Poster
(12/12/03) If you taunt an ape at the zoo, he might get angry and fling his crap at you. Likewise, if you taunt midcard jobber Dan Hinote by holding up a Divealanche.com poster, he might get angry and fling his crappy shot at you!
Reports have reached us that Hinote is no fan of the website you are reading. During a pregame warmup earlier this season, some of Divealanche.com's loyal readers ventured down behind the Dive's goal and held up a large poster of the Divealanche logo. Seeing this logo threw Hinote into a hilarious fit of rage, during which he began firing slap shots at the sign and the people holding it.
Apparently no one was hurt, though you can bet someone might have been if any of Dan's patented smokers had actually managed to reach the glass! Still, it was a shocking and impressive display of passion and intensity... qualities one won't see from Hinote once the play clock has been turned on.
Now, in light of this incident, it would be easy to label Hinote a humorless boob. But we should note that the person holding the sign was a woman and this is probably not the first occasion that a female has laughed derisively in Hinote's presence. Still, the thought of this site being taken seriously by a professional athlete is incredibly amusing. We have it on good authority that a few Colorado players have seen this place and found it amusing. The fact that Dan is so bothered by it leads us to believe that he might be a, uh, well... a humorless boob. This would explain why he's such a hero to the legions of humorless boobs who show up at the Pepsi Center Death Star wearing Bronco jerseys with the words "Sheriff Parker" on the back.
Research must continue! We urge our readers to download their posters and continue this experiment. Then report your results to us.
Who Are You People, Anyway?
(12/4/03) As we watch the Divealanche this year, we often wonder... who the hell are these people?
With only three players remaining (Sakic, Floppa and Foote) from the '96 Stanley Cup Dives team that was bought from Canada so Denver could win something, the 2003 Divealanche is faceless and unrecognizable, even to longtime Avsmonkeys. Moreover, due to Pierre's compulsive roster tampering and trade deadline roulette, keeping track of who is actually playing for the Dives at any given moment requires the kind of intense precision normally reserved for chess matches or brain surgery.
Teemu Selanne? Steve Konowalchuk? Paul Kariya? Travis Brigley? Johan Flippov? Morton Zaledcrispins? Doublegae Vartnokker?
Anyone wondering why the NHL is descending into a swirling toilet of its own creation need look no further than the 2003 model Divealanche, who are basically just a bunch of guys in jerseys. History? Tradition? Blah, blah, blah... things of the past. Much better to build your franchise by snapping up whatever hotshit flavor-of-the-month you can get at the trade deadline, then shuffling him out the back door before the ink on his contract is dry to make room for next year's headline grab.
Are the Dives the only team guilty of this? Of course not. They are just the epitome of it.
Sweden Unveils New Forsberg Stamp
(11/21/03) Turnip stamp enthusiasts will soon have another prized item to add to their collections.
According to the Swedish newspaper Aftonbladet (translates to "male support garment fetishist" in English), Sweden's Ministry of Parcel Delivery has commissioned a second postage stamp featuring Divealanche star, Peter Forsberg. The stamp will be released in February to coincide with the Surströmming Jubilee, a national Swedish holiday celebrating the nation's liberation from Iceland in 1983.
Unlike the first Forsberg stamp, the new version has been designed to have a more international appeal. The first stamp depicted Forsberg's celebrated olympic goal, now largely forgotten everywhere but in Sweden. The new stamp shows Floppa in a more universally familiar pose: flying through the air like a circus clown that's been shot from a cannon.
Denver fans can look for the stamp next April, when it will be made available at the Pepsi Center Gift Shop during the Ville Nieminen Jersey-Retirement ceremony.
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