AM 950 The Fan -
Denver radio's foremost Divealanche propaganda unit, featuring numerous annoying shows designed to keep the clueless consuming a steady diet of caps and jerseys. See Also: Homer.
Avsmonkey -
A species of gibbering primate that makes its nest high in the $20-a-seat, nosebleed sections of the Pepsi Center. Oddly human-like with opposable thumbs, but lacking any ability to achieve mental coherency. Though the species may migrate to lower altitudes during favorable scratch-lottery cycles, Avsmonkey's are most frequently found in habitats consisting of rafters, cables and riveted metal beams.
Bandwagoner -
One who participates in bandwagoning.
Bandwagoning -
The act of taking up fanship in a team after receiving the news that they are on a winning-streak or in contention to win a championship. Should the team in question fall out of contention, Bandwagoners will depart the bandwagon as quickly as they once jumped aboard. See Also: Shameless Front-Running Goodtime Charlie
Dive -
To fall to the ice or launch oneself into the air during a game of ice hockey in order to draw a power play. Diving itself is a penalty in the NHL, though the league's unwillingness to enforce this has made it a valuable strategy for certain players and certain teams, but we won't mention names. See: Peter Forsberg
Divealanche -
Colorado's professional hockey franchise. The greatest team in the 7-year history of the NHL.
Divemobile -
Proverbial bandwagon that carts the Avsmonkey nation through the NHL season. Crowded in January, empty by July. A great big rolling, gibbering, obnoxious mass of homerism and cluelessness.
Drurymorris -
2002 trade involving Chris Drury and Derek Morris.
Dung Beetle -
A web site that tries to thieve ideas from Divealanche.com. Dung Beetles come in all shapes and sizes, but they are almost always lame.
Forsberg Flop (aka Floppa) -
To take a dive when there is no opposing player within five yards of you. Note: In some cultures the term is slang for loss of erectile function.
Fredo -
Nickname for Erik Lacroix, son of Pierre. From The Godfather... Fredo Corleone was the family plaid sheep.
Gibbering -
The act of emitting sputtering streams of nonsense from your slobbering piehole.
Gob -
See: Piehole
Gravytraining
The practice of drawing a disproportionate amount of personal glory and satisfaction from accomplishments which haven't involved you. Most commonly associated with Shameless Front-Running Goodtime Charlies. Example: "Upon reading of the Dive's victory, Fred drove to Play It Again Sports to trade in his Elway jersey for a Forsberg jersey. He then continued on to downtown Denver for an afternoon of gravytraining off the Stanley Cup Parade."
Homer -
A sports fan whose lack of knowledge and blind worship of a particular team renders him/her incapable of objectivity or truth. Unlike its lesser brethren, the Bandwagoner and Shameless Front-Running Goodtime Charlie, the Homer maintains the delusion that he/she actually appreciates the sport they gravytrain. In fact, most homers will lose all interest in a sport the moment their team is eliminated from contention. See Also: AM 950 The Fan, Marc Moser, The Bookends, Mike & Sandy.
Homerism -
- The state of being a homer; a hallucinatory condition that may take hold of sports fans, rendering them incapable of viewing any aspect of their favorite team in an objective manner. Example: "Though Patrick Roy had let in 5 goals on 7 shots, Glen's chronic homerism caused him to blame the referees for the Dive's deepening plight."
- A statement lacking objectivity and reason, indicating that the speaker is a homer. Example: "Hoping to one day attract more than five listeners to his radio show, Marc peppered his broadcast with ridiculous lies and homerisms."
Homerphobia -
The fear of being exposed to Denver sports broadcasts and talk shows.
"It rubs the lotion on its skin" -
Long, greasy curls of dirty blond hair cascading down onto the shoulders of a Divealanche jersey. From the movie Silence Of The Lambs. Okay, let's not go there right now...
Jake -
One who feigns or overplays injuries in order to take extended time off, leaving collegues to pick up the slack.
Lizzy -
Nickname for Divealanche GM Pierre Lacroix (from "Lizzie Bordon"). So named for his tendency to axe everything that moves when the chips are down.
Masturdater -
One who practices Masturdatertion (see next entry).
Masturdatertion -
Excitation of one's own Avsmonkey organ to homer orgasm by means of reading Adrian Dater's Mailbag in the Denver Post.
Mutant -
An extremely rare sub-tribe of Divesfan. Mutants are very knowledgeable about NHL hockey and most are season ticket holders who began following the Divealanche before their first championship. Many mutants are Colorado transplants who avidly followed hockey before relocating. Mutants can be identified by the wincing look of embarrassment they wear on their faces when regarding the Avsmonkeys in the seats around them. Sightings of this species are incredibly rare due to their habit of arriving at the Pepsi Center exactly 1 minute before the game begins and quietly departing midway through the final period.
Piehole -
See: Gob
Red Wings Suck -
The only three words an Avsmonkey can grasp after his team gets spanked 7-0 before an international hockey audience.
Shameless Front-Running Goodtime Charlie -
A lowly sub-breed of Bandwagoner who joins the victory celebration only after the team has won, or is certain to win, a championship. Easily discerned from the Bandwagoner by its lack of a ticket stub. Can be seen overturning cars and drunkenly shrieking at the television cameras in the streets outside of bars after the final horn has sounded. Joining this brotherhood requires little else but a lack of any form of self-esteem and the knowledge that you are a complete shitbag.
Turnip -
A Divealanche fan, whose white, blue and maroon jersey makes him resemble a large, lumbering turnip.
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