If you see this picture, just keep turning the pages until it goes away.
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Okay, you people asked for it. Time to talk about Woody Paige. Let's get this over with as quickly as possible.
If you live in Denver, about once every year you get a call from a friend in some other part of the country: "Dude, have you ever heard of that guy, 'Woody Paige'? Did you read what he wrote about (fill in name of sports team here)? What a (fill in favorite expletive here)! Who the hell is that (another expletive)?"
Who or what exactly is Woody Paige? Start by mixing equal parts Dave Barry and Goober from Hee Haw, then remove most of the brain except the small node responsible for producing a permanent, shit eating grin. Now put a Keystone tallboy in his hand and set him on a riding lawnmower. There you go.
Make no mistake, we don't want to profile Woody here. What is the point in banging on a human joy buzzer whose only evident mission is to infuriate any reader gullible enough to tangle with his clattering stringer of rusty mousetraps? It's been many moons since anyone at Divealanche.com actually read a Woody Paige column. The Post is thoughtful enough to put Woody's photo at the top of all his essays, making them easy to identify and avoid.
Besides, this is a hockey site, and what Paige knows about puck wouldn't fill a runt thimble. He might even be the first one to admit it, too. In Woody's game, sports is merely the cheese in the trap. Writers like this get their jollies by culling the slowest stragglers of the herd into uncorking their El Markos and rattling off flurries of agonized rants to the editor. We get the joke. Trouble is, it lost its punch several hundred repetitions ago.
The fact that Paige has fashioned his bottomless brown bag of one-line groaners into a career in sports punditry --now including appearances on ESPN-- indicates that he either is much more clever than he reads or owns photos of media moguls having sex with barn animals. We opt for the latter. If there is any sports writer in the world who would carry around pics of people nailing livestock, it is Woody Paige.
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