Soapbox: TV
Station: Fox Sports, Denver
Title: Divealanche Play-By-Play
Nicknames: none
Our Nickname: The Bookends
If you've never had the pleasure of watching a Fox Rocky Mountain Sports Net (Denver's local Fox television affiliate) broadcast of a Divealanche game, it is virtually impossible to capture the experience for you in writing.
If there was a barometer-type device that could scientifically measure the density of pure, mindless homerism in a sports broadcast, and you were to expose this Homer-O-Meter to the excited babbling of John Kelly and Peter McNab, within seconds the device would explode like a red-hot hand grenade. Don't laugh... this is not an exaggeration. If you think it is, you are one of the lucky ones who hasn't witnessed these over-the-top homers and their 3-period slobber fests.
Seeing Kelly and McNab stoically peering out of the television screen in their sharply pressed dark suits, alarmed first-time viewers may think that two narcotics officers have showed up at their house. As Kelly and McNab exhaust the dictionary searching for enough words to adequately praise the Divealanche, it becomes horrifyingly clear that these men actually believe each fluffy proverb that cascades from their gibbering gobs. To hear these two talk, the Divealanche exist on some hockey Mount Olympus from which they dutifully descend every few days to meet their unwashed and unworthy challengers. Of course, to witness these deities in their glory is an honor and a privilege to we mere mortals. We are not worthy!
Worst of all is when the Divealanche score. That's when The Bookends break out with their patented holler, "Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!" At this point we are glimpsing into the world of Jedi-level Divealanche homerism -- a dreamlike state of distorted consciousness and self delusion in which fans of this team exist on a daily basis.
In order to prepare yourself for the play-by-play and color commentary of The Bookends, you should take the Divealanche.com Fan Test elsewhere on this site. Unless you score a 15 or higher, don't attempt to watch the game without turning the sound off. If you do, be sure to keep a large plastic bucket next to your seat.
top of page
