Divealanche.com -- Player Profiles

What can you say about Joe Sakic? Unfortunately, not a hell of a lot. Sakic is an example of how one can reach the highest heights in the glamorous world of professional sports and still maintain the personality of a box of saltines.

Judging by the "C" on his sweater, Sakic is the captain of the Divealanche, which makes zero sense to anyone. Stupor Joe barely possesses enough charisma to motivate a gerbil to run on a wheel, much less inspire a team of overly pampered, professional athletes to quit turtleing and play hockey. Nobody actually believes that hypersensitive megalomaniacs like Patrick Roy or Peter Forsberg would tolerate even the slightest criticism from the terminally tongue-tied Joe Sakic. Still, pay-per-spew homers like Mike Haynes wistfully refer to Sakic as "The Captain" in hopes of elevating his stature to that of a Steve Yzerman, which is flatly ridiculous. When Yzerman faces an extended injury it is an international sports story. When Sakic sits out, the Dives themselves barely notice, often going on a winning streak behind their gallivanting Swedish puckhog.

Compared to superstars such as The Jake and Alex Tanguay, Sakic's style has little of the flare or showmanship necessary to penetrate an Avsmonkey's stunted attention span. Rarely will you see Sakic bellyflop across the ice, clutching his face and squealing like his teammates. An old fashioned, quaint player, Sakic uses the blades of his skates to move across the ice instead of the preferred Colorado method of leaping headfirst and sliding around the rink on your stomach.

Likewise, Sakic is hindered by his inability to master the dipsy doodle. Facing a trap in the neutral zone, Sakic will quite often pass to an open teammate instead of trying to demonstrate how long he can keep the puck for himself. With this kind of attitude, it's no wonder Avsmonkeys regularly call for "The Captain" to be traded.

Though many Dives homers still wear Sakic jerseys, Joe's unwillingness to destroy videocassette recorders or get arrested for domestic violence has limited his popularity in Denver. Until Sakic decides to acquire bogus doctor prescriptions for speed or scare the hell out of his wife and children while trashing their home, he will never be rewarded with the famous Mile High Standing-O, much less have a street named after him.

For these reasons and others, Sakic will always take a distant backseat to Peter Forsberg aboard the Divemobile. Avsmonkeys accentuated that point in a 2002 Denver Post poll in which the bellyflopping Mentos addict outpolled Stuporman 2-to-1 for "Favorite Athlete". This monumental snub came after Forsberg had vacationed in Sweden throughout the entire 2001 regular season, leaving Sakic to guide the Dives to the playoffs, whence Peter The Teacup could safely return.

In short, there is little doubt that Joe Sakic will never truly achieve greatness as a member of the Divealanche, and should be traded to another NHL franchise. This fact is apparent not only to Colorado fans, but to knowledgeable hockey observers as well.