Profile #1: Patrick Roy – Goaltender (Retired)

Though possessing little of the aptitude necessary for a career as an NHL netminder, Patrick Roy has managed to make a name for himself as a serviceable, meat-and-potatoes goalie.

Indeed, Patrick Roy's patented "Statue Of Liberty" move has made him a fan favorite... mostly among fans of other teams, since Roy often forgets to glove the puck when performing this crowd pleaser.

Likewise, Roy's puck handling skills outside the crease are the subject of much debate. Though many feel that Roy is to puckhandling what Chuck Norris is to dramatic acting, Roy's confuddlement in this area seldom prevents him from wandering out of the crease (much to the dismay and horror of anyone in the arena wearing Divealanche gear). Roy follows the puck as if he were in a state of hypnosis. Once he's begun doddering away in the corner, only the red goal light has the power to snap him out of the puck's spell. The inevitable results of this absent-minded wandering can be seen on ESPN Sportscenter at least a dozen times during any season.

Still, the fact that Roy's showboating has resulted in some huge Divealanche losses matters little to the legions of hollering Avsmonkeys. After all, it is Patrick's skills as a fighter that have made him a hero of the Divealanche nation.

Patrick Roy's handiness with his fists has earned him the nickname "Guns" around the league. His journey through the NHL can be traced by a trail of broken small appliances, shattered consumer electronic goods and splintered wooden doors he has left in his wake. Ask any VCR, stereo receiver, or toaster oven who is the mightiest of the mighty and surely they will shudder and reply "Patrick Roy".

But Roy's fisticuff prowess isn't just reserved for hair dryers and clock radios. As former Wings goalie Mike Vernon learned, midgets are also on Patsy's highly-selective list of worthy boxing opponents.

In a March 1997 game between the Red Wings and the Dives, the famous brawl broke out in which Darren McCarty administered a prolonged, savage bitch-slapping to journeyman shitbag, Claude LeMieux, who turtled in terror as the world cheered. Seeing that his teammates were getting humiliated, Roy decided he'd better start a fight, preferably one he could win. Scanning the ice for a video cassette recorder, Roy instead spotted 5-foot-5-inch Mike Vernon. Sensing an easy target, Patsy skated to the red line and threw up his arms, motioning for the diminutive Wings goalie to come out and get his medicine.

What followed was one of the most hilarious moments in hockey fighting history. Little Mike Vernon treated Roy the way a pimp treats a mouthy ho, beating the Dives goalie bloody before being pulled off of him by the officials.

While most concluded that Vernon handily won the fight, Divealanche fans know better. Clearly, Patrick's clever strategy of blocking Vernon's punches with his face was begining to tire Vernon. Had the referees not pulled the pint-sized Detroit goalie off the bleeding and wheezing Roy, surely Patrick would have taken control of the fight instead of getting taken apart like a box of Leggos.

Just another example of how the refs have it in for the Divealanche.

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