Every few weeks we will profile a NEW favorite player!

Profile #3: Scott Parker – Sheriff (TRADED)

If you tell Divesfan something often enough, he will eventually buy it and even shell out for the jersey. How else can you explain the popularity of "The Sheriff"?

Scott Parker was brought into Colorado to fill the Dive's void of enforcers in the seasons after the ill-tempered, n-bomb dropping Chris Simon was traded away. Seeing Claude Lemieux getting slapped up and down the ice in Detroit, Pierre Lacroix realized between bites of custard-filled donut that he'd better bring in some muscle lest his payroll get drained for more bodyguards. At that time the only enforcer on the Dive's roster was Patrick "Guns" Roy, who was in the process of getting taken apart by a dwarf as Lacroix sat licking chocolate frosting from his fingers in the Joe's visiting owner's box.

Scott Parker's stats are nonexistent and his oft-touted effectiveness as an enforcer is highly debatable. Yet for some reason he has become amazingly popular with the Turnips, many of whom have a Parker jersey hanging in the closet between their Molly Hatchet tour tanktop and Dale Ernhardt commemorative wifebeater. Parker has even been bestowed with a nickname, "The Sheriff". Ostensibly this is because he is an enforcer who commands respect, though outside observers believe it's because Parker skates as though wearing cowboy boots. This assessment is neither accurate nor fair... to people who wear cowboy boots, many of whom can achieve skating speeds of up to 12 miles per hour.

For Parker, commanding respect from Divesfan has proven much easier than commanding respect from his fellow NHL goons. Case in point: Parker's disasterous attempt at fighting the infamous Bob Probert of the Blackhawks. After spending half the game trying to taunt junkyard dog Probert into throwing down --and reportedly being chastised by Probert, "We go when I say we go"-- Parker finally got his wish. It was a wish that would earn him a trip to the hospital.

The two dropped gloves and began tussling on the ice, with much pulling of jerseys and a few ineffective jabs by Parker. In the midst of the tussling, the wise old warrior Probert managed to get his right arm loose. He steadied it. Everyone watching knew what was going to happen next, except maybe The Sheriff. The resulting punch from Probert echoed through the arena like a baseball bat smacking a two-by-four. The shot was so loud that even The Bookends were rendered momentarily speechless. For his trouble, Parker wound up in the hospital nursing a sore, ringing melon.

In spite of this and other fighting mishaps, Dives homers like to believe that, had Parker been with Colorado in May 1997, the infamous Joe Louis payback brawl would never have happened. This is highly unlikely. With The Sheriff's skating speed, it would have been physically impossible for Parker to make it from the Divealanche bench to center ice before the 6 minute and 47 second melee was over.

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