JOEL QUENNEVILLE Coach This season, Joel Quenneville comes to Colorado from St. Louis, where he enjoyed a long and illustrious career as the Detroit Red Wings' bitch. Quenneville has won a whole lot of games, but his trophy case is full of a whole lot of nothing. Now he's hoping a lunge for the Divemobile will net him a Stanley Cup ring. He is about five years too late. The only jewelry Quenneville's fingers will be sporting after this season will be painful clusters of swollen wounds from Lizzy's bloody knuckle ruler.

PIERRE TURGEON Center At his first press conference after being acquired by the Dives, Pierre Turgeon quipped, "I am not Peter Forsberg". Denver's media homers misinterpreted this comment to be a gracious nod of deference to the "greatest player in hockey." It was, however, nothing of the sort. Turgeon was serious. He does not wish to be compared to an overrated, chronically injured, gallivanting, puckhogging jake who spends more time sliding around on his belly and somersaulting through the air than playing hockey.

"AIRBORNE ALEX" TANGUAY Left Wing Diver extraordinaire Alex Tanguay is a frustrating player for the Avsmonkeys. Tanguay can be a a very effective goal scorer when he is motivated. Unfortunately, the only way to motivate him is to axe the head coach and anyone else who takes issue with Airborne's frequent slumps. Having Tanguay on your team is like owning a toilet that won't flush unless you set the house on fire.

JOE SAKIC Center In 1995, Pierre "Lizzy" Lacroix purchased the Quebec Nordiques and moved them to Colorado so that Denver could finally win something. Though most people who call themselves "Avalanche fans" had never even heard of hockey until hours before the '96 Stanley Cup parade, the city embraced their hastily adopted heroes while the Nords' real fans back in Quebec shook their heads in disgust. Ten years later, Joe Sakic is the only remaining member of the Nordiques. Complete profile here.

MILAN HEJDUK Right Wing Recently someone on Denver butt rock station KBPI referred to Hejduk as "Hejdie". "Hejdie"? That's not quite as gay as Adrian Dater referring to a hat trick as a "hattie", but it's a close second. Memo to Media Homers: No one but you calls a hat trick a "hattie". No one but you calls another grown man "Hedjie". You probably think that inventing stupid words and nicknames makes you look like hip NHL insiders, but it doesn't. It makes you look like asshats

BRETT CLARK Defense Painting your house? Zinsser B.I.N. Primer Sealer is the original pigmented shellac stain-killing primer-sealer. Great under all topcoats!

CANDY Goalie Candy bears some striking similarities to the legendary Here's Patty. Both are babies. Both blame their losses on others. Both are to fighting what Ashton Kutcher is to quantum physics And unfortunately for Avsmonkey, the similarities end there.

MAREK SVATOS Right Wing Svatos is the next Peter Forsberg. How do we know this? Because Adrian Dater was recently seen picking out new furniture and window treatments for the home he's built in Svatos' butt.

STEVE KONOWALCHUK Left Wing A gritty, standup player. If the Dives spent more of their payroll pursuing gamers like Konowalchuk and less time chasing glamour flakes like The Sisters, they might possibly actually become almost close to being mildly non-nauseating. Don't worry. They won't.

PETER BUDAJ Goalie When supergoalie David Aebischer let in a slapshot from center ice at the Saddledome recently, Joel Quenneville decided he'd had enough and decided to put in Phillipe Sauve. This idea was quashed when he was informed that Sauve now plays for Calgary. Peter Budaj is the poor bastard who gets to back up David Aebischer, who in terms of the best goalie in team history, usually ends up behind Craig Billington. Needless to say, he plays a lot. Budaj is the Dives goalie of the future. Unfortunately for dives fans, like Marc Denis and Sauve before him, it'll likely be the future of some other team. *Divealanche thanks hockey insider Guy Pantaloons for contributing this profile.

BRAD MAY Meanie! Quit crying, Turnips. We told you this would happen. For years, we've said that the Avalanche organization would sign Charles Manson if they thought he held the key to the Cup. And if the fans didn't like it? Screw them. Maybe Pierre Lacroix isn't as bad a guy as we thought. If there is anything that signals to us that Lizzy is actually a reasonable, intelligent man, it is the utter contempt and disregard he exhibits toward the fans of the Colorado Avalanche. How absolutely flippin' perfect that Brad May is wearing a Turnip shirt. Does anyone doubt that Lizzy would've made it a twofer and offered Todd Bertuzzi his own Colorado sweater (perhaps even Steve Moore's number) if Bert had been on the market? Not once. Not once have we been wrong.

BOB BOUGHNER Goon Avsmonkeys and the Media Homers continue to flap their gibbering gobs about the Bertuzzi incident. Yet they conveniently forget that only a few weeks later -- under orders from failed head coach Tony "Cheap Shot" Granato -- , Bob Boughner sucker-punched a San Jose player in exactly the same manner. And Denver loved it! Like Avalanche hero Bryan Marchment before him, Boughner is walking proof of every claim we have made about the hypocrisy and sleaziness of the Divemobile. The Avsmonkeys think they're the class of the league in spite of this and this and this and this etc, etc, etc, and... oh looky here... does this look like somebody we know...

BRETT McLEAN Center Okay, butt rock quiz time. Who was the lead singer of Triumph? (For the answer, scroll down to "Ian Laperriere")

DAN HINOTE Jobber With Scott Parker now a distant Avsmonkey memory, Dan Hinote has become the latest bad hockey player to capture the affections of the Pepsi Center's meth head contingent. Go to any Avs home game and you'll see plenty of fresh, cheap knockoff jerseys with "HINOTE" on the back. Well, actually, you'll only see the letter "H" at the beginning and the "E" at the end. The "INOT" will be covered by a thick, greasy ape drape. Not long ago, some of our operatives in Los Angeles held a "Divealanche" banner up to the front row glass while the Avs were warming up. Infuriated, Hinote skated to the top of the circle and began firing shot after shot at those holding the sign. Had a single one of those pucks made it to the glass, someone could've been hurt

OOK OOK Defense Lives in a tree. Talks to his eyebrows. Impresses females by bending lengths of lead pipe with his buttocks.

ANDREW BRUNETTE Left Wing If you were looking through your food pantry and found a can that said "hockey player" on it, and then you opened the can, Andrew Brunette would be inside the can.

PATRICE BRISEBOIS Defense Zinsser B.I.N. Primer Sealer... Great for knots, water stains, fire and smoke damage. Seals in tough stains, pet, smoke and fire odors. Dries in minutes; recoat in 45 minutes.

THE MAGNIFICENT JOHN-MICHAEL LILES Defense In 2003, when The Magnificent John-Michael Liles arrived at Denver International Airport, over 34,000 screaming sports fans awaited him on the tarmac. Police tried their best to hold back the frenzied mob, but were hopelessly outnumbered by the spectators, many of whom broke through barricades and surrounded the plane, which rocked dangerously from the weight of the throngs pushing against its landing gear. Hours later, as the motorcade carrying The Magnificent John Michael Liles raced down Pena Boulevard toward Denver, riots broke out throughout downtown, with bonfires, looting and lanes full of overturned, burning cars stretching southward beyond the Pepsi Center. Recognizing that "Liles Mania" was whipping his city into a torrent of orgasmic ecstasy, Mayor Wellington Webb declared martial law for three months, after which Denver was finally able to calm itself and come to grips with the magnitude of The Magnificent John-Michael Liles.

IAN LAPERRIERE Center The lead singer of Triumph was Rik Emmett. Okay, who was the bass player for Prism? (For the answer, scroll down to Kurt Sauer)

DANIEL COOK Curious This is Daniel Cook On a bike, on a plane On a farm, playing games With many places And friendly faces We'll have lots of fuuuu-un With Daniel Cook.

ANTTI LAAKSONEN Left Wing Somewhere in Europe there is a factory that produces faceless jobbers, slaps annoying names on them and ships them to the NHL.

OSSI VAANANEN Defense Ossi Vaananen... evil nemesis of Antii Laaksonen! Centuries ago, Laaksonen used psychic mind rays to direct the Nordic reindeer herds to defeat Vaananen's army of the dead and drive the diabolical madman from Finland. Though Laaksonen thought his arch enemy had succumbed to mortal battle wounds, Vaananen received an ancient warlock incantation that allowed his spirit to travel time, possessing the bodies of others. Now, in 2005, Vaananen has hijacked the body of an NHL defenseman and followed the unsuspecting Laaksonen to Colorado, where Vaananen patiently plots for the perfect moment to explode from his earthly shell, destroy Laaksonen, and cast humanity into a flaming sea of woe. Is Laaksonen aware that Vaananen is his teammate? Will their apocalyptic reunion mark the end of the Colorado Avalanche? What can we do to prevent an all-out catastrophe? All Avalanche fans, young and old, must bring this sign to every game!

KURT SAUER Defense The bass player for Prism was Allen Harlow.